jefftheshark's Kinda/Sorta Third Annual Mock Draft Extravaganza

jefftheshark

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Well it's that time of year again. Time for the ol’ shark to be checking out of rehab, of course, but that's a different story. Actually, the faded Duck Dynasty calendar on the wall is saying it is once again time for "jefftheshark's Kinda/Sorta Third Annual Mock Draft Extravaganza”.

As usual, I have spent my limited internet access time, those all too brief periods between electroshock therapy sessions, pouring over countless pages of mind-numbing statistics in order to bring you the fermented fruit of my insight. This did not occur without a certain amount of pain. The guards, err I should say, “orderlies” here at Betty Ford appear to think that continuously streaming episodes of “Orange is the New Black” is more important than my predicting the outcome of the upcoming draft. This is their loss. I was going to tell them the winner of this weekend’s big fight, but now – “fuggetaboutit”.

As usual, the following disclaimer:

If pictures of girls in bikinis, etc is NSFW then you might consider waiting until you're home, or in the local men’s locker room, to view the JTS mock draft

This year the jefftheshark team has created a special introductory "Tribute to Dangerous Underwear" to kick off the festivities. Please enjoy this moment of unnecessary pyrotechnics before perusing this year’s selections:

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So let us begin:

Tampa Bay – Wow. The first pick in the draft. An opportunity both exhilarating and terrifying, kinda like watching Kurt Warner dropping back and unleashing a long bomb down the sideline to former first round pick, Bryant “Skillet Hands” Johnson. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

That bad memory aside, in this day and age, character issues are as much a factor in the selection calculation as measurables such as arm strength and forty speeds. So what is a concerned General Manager to do? This year, the same Brain Trust that thought it a marvelous idea to anoint Josh McCown their gridiron messiah, takes a page from John Irving’s classic novel “The World According to Garp” and selects an already pre-disastered QB. Why worry that at some point the face of the franchise might get arrested? Select someone who has already lowered the expectation bar!

My first selection in the 2015 NFL Draft:

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Tennessee – Einstein once observed that the “definition of insanity is repeating the same actions and yet expecting different results”. That pithy observation was made by Benny Einstein, my college roommate at ASU, who got expelled from school after propositioning 457 coeds over a four-day period in late April ‘82.

But what, you ask, does this have to do with the Titans? It has to do with Ken Whisenhunt, the oft-maligned semi-offensive genius who wouldn’t know how to develop a serviceable quarterback if you spotted him Joe Montana & Steve Young’s illegitimate love child.

Luckily, Titan’s ownership is aware of the Whizenator’s unspectacular past and quickly pulls the trigger on a preemptive trade. Who can blame them for paling at the thought of their Head Coach “developing” another rookie QB? With this trade, the Titans remove the temptation to accommodate Coach Whiz’s ham-handed approach at quarterback whispering. Unfortunately, however, even the best-laid plans can go awry. Take it from me, trading youth for experience only makes sense under the following conditions: It is well past a tavern’s stated closing time, you have consumed far too many double scotch & sodas to see straight, and the bar has emptied down to the following choices:

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Jacksonville – It is high time for the Jaguars to address their inability to stop the run. Of course, addressing this issue will result in their giving up a record amount of yardage through the air. Then again, who cares? Nobody but a confirmed masochist watches Jaguar games anyway.

With the third selection in the draft the Jags go for pure muscle, selecting:

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Oakland – Speed. Al Davis coveted it long before it became a league-wide obsession. With David Carr firmly in control of the offense, it is time to find someone for him to toss the rock to.

With the fourth selection in the NFL draft, the Raiders pick a speedy receiver who will be difficult for the sophomore slinger to miss:

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Washington – What’s in a name? Well Buster, Shakespeare answered this very question about a thousand years ago. So why do I bring it up? Why do I ask so many damn questions?

The point is that it really doesn’t matter. Call the Redskins the “Mighty Awesome Sumbitches” and they still suck. This is what poor ownership does to a franchise (yeah that’s right DC, Card fans are lookin’ down their noses at YOU – lol). Gandhi once observed that “first they mock you, then they laugh at you and sometime after you’ve starved yourself half to death, you win” (Hat tip, Wikipedia)

Therefore, the Redskin’s first round selection is destined to become the new face of the franchise (which is somehow appropriate, mocking-wise):

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Bonus Second Round Prediction:

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Jets – No one spends more time at the combine analyzing potential draft picks than the Jets. How do I know this? I don’t.

Anyway, to determine whom the Jets are going to select, all one needs to do is find a picture of their cracker jack staff checking out the talent at the annual track meet in Indy. For those of you keeping score at home, I’m handing out these pearls of wisdom for free, while Mel frickin’ Kiper, Jr. gets paid millions for ridiculous insights, predictions far more unlikely than this.

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Bears - What to do about Jay Cutler? You have a guy that appears to have checked out, lost his mojo, or something like that. Really, what do I know? It’s not like I’m some kind of facial-expression-reading faux-psychiatrist from Massachusetts for cripes sake.

All I know is that when the guy goes down under center, he appears to lose his concentration. If I can see this, then certainly the certified masterminds in the Windy City can figure this out as well.

The simple solution? This year the Bears finally discover their franchise center:

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Falcons – Pumping in crowd noise? You gotta be kidding me - don’t they play in a freakin’ dome? It’s not like they play in the silence of Jacksonville, performing only in front of a pitiful collection of whining hot dog vendors desperately in search of a customer.

However sometimes an owner has to do what an owner has to do, and if the pre-recorded sounds of teens screaming like they spotted One Direction entering a local Forever 21 floats his boat, then I say more power to him.

This year’s selection, however, comes prepared for any potential volume. My prediction:

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Giants – This year the Giants need to make a big splash. They need a big body to trample opposing defenses much like Mark Bavaro did decades ago, back when the Giants weren’t about as relevant as a Labor Day weekend Hee-Haw marathon.

The ninth pick – a monster tight end, of course:

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Rams – The danger of surfing the internets for pictures of “sexy sheep” is not overblown. A perfect example was highlighted last evening when Mrs. Shark did her daily perusal of Mr. Shark’s “Internet History Folder”– trust me, it was not hilarity that ensued.

Now that I am safely ensconced in my new digs in a singlewide trailer down by the Las Vegas River, I can report that the Rams spent an abnormal amount of time examining this year’s selection; however it appears to be time well spent.

My prediction:

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Vikes – The Teddy Bridgewater Era has begun, yet the offensive is sputtering. In the infamous words of that self-proclaimed genius Keyshaun Johnson, “Who’s gonna catch the damn ball?” Or run it? Or under-inflate the balls, for that matter? These are all questions inquiring minds want to know.
However the rules, unfair as they might seem, are insistent that only one player can be selected per round (unless you are the Browns invoking the league’s newly implemented “Incompetence Mercy-Rule”). This go-around the Vikings address the loss of AP to the Cowboys/Cardinals/Bucs/Bay City Rollers with a high caliber RB who can catch as well as run like a flippin’ Valkyrie.

Their 2015 selection:

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Browns – What do you do when life hands you lemons? How the hell should I know? – I’m just a football prognosticator, not a freakin’ arborist! On the other hand, a team like the Browns should know what to do with lemons, seeing as they’ve picked about two hundred and fifty by last count.

Maybe there’s a slight chance that they’ve learned their lesson. Perhaps Johnny Football has shown them the way. Why wait for someone to check themselves into rehab, but instead find a party animal as they exit the treatment facility?

Therefore, I present you the Brown’s latest selection – lucky selection number 13

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Saints – You build a team from the inside out. If you look around the league these days you’ll see the blueprint for quick success - butts. Big butts built to bust big holes. (Yes, I mastered in Alliteration in college, so sue me)

The Saints trade down to get as many selections as possible – hence their new offensive line – Sharky-Style!

(note to Mods – thank your lucky stars I didn’t select “jeffthedoggy” as my ASFN handle)

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Dolphins – The Fins go Old School, looking to their past to find their future - or maybe they’ve just been staying up too late watching stupid reruns on Netflix. Either way, they search out their former “Ace” and this is his selection at 14:

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San Francisco – How can one franchise shoot themselves in the foot so many times? For a quick answer, Google “The Mike Singletary Era”.

As long as we’re discussing clichés, how about this one? Sometimes bad things happen to bad fans. In honor of this horrendous offseason, especially delightful since they are a hated division rival, here is their 2015 selection – a pick that, on the surface, looks good while busily doing something that accomplishes absolutely nothing:

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Houston – We’ve got a problem.

A worn out joke you say? Well guess what douchbag, sometimes in this life you get what you paid for. If you want guaranteed laughs, then look down the next time you’re standing at the urinal.

(Editor’s Note: Regarding the last paragraph, somehow the Shark’s computer was hacked by Andrew Dice Clay. We apologize to all you small-penised individuals who might have been offended by the Diceman’s unwarranted outburst.)

Back to the mock: The Texan’s are looking to replace the one-time speedster Andre Johnson with an equivalent talent. Their selection is a bit older, like Andre, however the introduction of modern technology fixes that issue in short order.

Number 15:

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San Diego – Why can’t some teams be satisfied with what they have? Isn’t playing professional football in front of hundreds of cheering fans enough? (cough, Sun Devil Stadium, cough, cough) But noooooooooooooo, as the Zen philosopher Bluto Blutarski once said, this could be the best time of their lives, but ownership is gonna make it the worst.

So go ahead and move Mr. San Diego Chargers Owner. Move to that sexy new home in Los Angeles and just see who’ll follow your sorry butt.

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Kansas City Chiefs – How has the team in Kansas City avoided an outpouring of outrage about their racist namesake? Does anyone in their right mind think they are referring to a “chief” petty officer? They have a flippin’ arrowhead on their helmets for goodness sakes!

Just to rub it further into the Redskin’s faces, here is KC’s selection, which everyone and their oblivious brother will think is perfectly fine:

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Philadelphia – Love him or hate him, the Mad Barber of Brotherly Love makes reading the internet interesting (okay, not the best nickname, but when was last time Boomer made you laugh out loud either?)

So here’s to you Mr. Kelly – we might not have any flippin’ clue as to what you are doing, but we salute you with this selection anyway:

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Cincinnati – The Bengals are weak up the middle. Not a criticism, just an observation made after seeing so many of their players lying about on their asses. So here is my suggestion: Someone tough enough to do this in their underwear is tough enough to cover anyone in the AFC North.

Bengals go cornerback at 20:

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Pittsburgh – Steel manufacturing makes the Shark think of iron. Iron makes him think of something hard and that naturally leads him to housework (Note to Readers: get your minds out of the ****ing gutter for God’s Sake. Please).

I hate ironing, but for some reason I can watch others do it for hours.

With the 22nd pick, the Steelers select a “clothes-line-backer” (trust me, there is an iron in the picture)

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Detroit – Ah, The Motor City – What to do, what to do?
They need to bolt on a run-stuffing replacement for their dearly departed Boy Named Suh. Here is their new Delco approved part– arms wide open (err, or something like that)

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Cardinals – Here is the selection we’ve all been waiting for.

In years past, during the ghastly Rod “Whistling Past The” Graves Era, the moment the envelope reached the podium was filled with a complete and total terror rarely seen outside a Stephen King novel (the old one’s like The Shining, not his recent sophomoric efforts). Lucky for all of us, this is no longer the case. Instead, while the long-timers among us still occasional brace ourselves for the other dreadful shoe to drop, an underlying current of new-found hope has emerged fostering a certain faith that perhaps our front office finally “gets it”.

With this in mind, selecting at Number 24, the Cardiac Cards welcome the power runner this high-octane offense so desperately needs.

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Well, unfortunately I've reached the number of images I can upload - plus the doctors here at Betty's are upping my meds for the final push for returning your humble servant back to polite society. I suspect this post will do little to calm anyone's suspicions that I've been palming the pills and selling them delusional Cowboys fans, however so it goes. Until next year, hasta la pasta mi amigos!
 

Shane

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Bravo Jeff as usual completely awesome and very funny!!! You are the man!!!
 

jf-08

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Ummm. Wow. You outdid yourself this year, Mr. Hammerhead.

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Snakester

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Nice job. Gotta love Wonder Woman. Good looking crescent wrench but my favorite would have to be the all butt team.
 

RugbyMuffin

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I don't like any of it.


........and now I will actually read the post.

Edit: Fantastic, the assets these rookies have can take them a long way, and are sure to get the fans' attention.
 
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Southpaw

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Completely inadequate excuse for disappearing from P&R. :)

BTW, how is Betty feeling these days?
 

bankybruce

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Can't say I am happy with the 9ers gettting Upton, but after watching her move for 164 minutes, I forgive you.
 

Jetstream Green

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One thing I never got about Wonder Woman... one would think a hot chick floating in thin air in a invisible jet would be even more noticeable than a jet one could see lol
 

jf-08

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I keep drifting back to Oakland pick, over and over and over again.
 
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