Amare to Play Friday Against Dallas
by
Paul Coro, Arizona Republic
The Phoenix Suns training staff is renowned across the NBA for its magical rejuvenation of such stars as Grant Hill, Shaquille O'Neal, and two-time MVP Steve Nash.
But its most recent accomplishment may get them the Nobel Prize.
Suns forward Amare Stoudemire has been sidelined for the last 4 weeks due to a partially detached retina, which requires an inevitable surgical correction with at least 8 weeks of sedentary downtime. But Amare can't confirm that, because he is too busy on the practice court fine tuning his pick and roll with Nash.
Head trainer Aaron Nelson takes a holistic approach to his players' ailments, and Amare was no exception.
"We found the root of the problem by going past the detached retina and following the cause to the core," Nelson said. "The retinal stress was due to a strained tendon in his neck, which led all the way to his spinal cord, and down his lateral cutaneous nerve, ending at his Achilles' Tendon."
Nelson and his crew got to work immediately on the tendon once they discovered the glaring issue.
"We used a patented, cutting edge, non-invasive technique on the tendon which not only released the retinal pressure and re-bonded the eye immediately, but it also increased his vision to a 20/10 level."
There was one unanticipated side effect. He's got a new bounce in his step.
"The work we did on Amare's Achilles' Tendon inadvertently increased the tension going from his calf to his heel, which has surprisingly increased his jumping ability to enormous levels."
Amare had his vertical leap remeasured and now reportedly peaks at 83 inches, allowing him to double step from the half court line and dunk from the 3-point arc.
Miami Heat guard Dwayne Wade heard the news, and although confused by the procedure, is now wondering what he could gain from ripping his own eye nearly off.
"STAT and I are tight, and if his eyeball nearly coming off helped him improve his game, of course I gotta try it," Wade said. "I'm wonderin' if I can go all the way and straight rip it out so I can experience pure flight."
New York Knick guard Nate Robinson was less than impressed, however.
"Man, I had astigmatism in the 4th grade and have had mad hops since Nelly [Aaron Nelson] worked his magic on me, since he and my aunt used to hook up, but you don't see nobody writing articles about me. What, I gotta go rip my retina off for you to be impressed by my 5'8 ass dunkin' on 7 foot ****** like it ain't no thang?"
NBA announcer and former All-Star Bill Walton has nothing but psychedelic positives to say about Amare's new found glory.
"The evils of despair were upon him, but an intrepid beam of divine power was sent down from the NBA gods, casting its glory upon the passionate beast that is Amare Stoudemire. His new gift will embark the NBA into a new era. Demons will flee, symphonies will enchant the ears and pure white light will glow down from the heavens every time this man graces the court with his presence."
Suns General Manager Steve Kerr was very optimisitc, "This definitely increases his trade value. We are STOKED!"
Amare is expected to suit up against this week's high stakes matchup against the Dallas Mavericks.
Wow I am so excited 
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