Mitch
Crawled Through 5 FB Fields
On the eve of what appears to be NFL's Christmas, where teams will go on fast and furious shopping sprees---it is my profound wish that Mr. Ebenezer Bidwill and his parsimonious business partners, Bill Jr. and Rod The Snail Graves, will be visited by three spirits tonight, starting at the stroke of midnight.
The Ghost of Christmas Past
Ghost: "Wake up Ebenezer."
Bidwill: "Who is it? What do want from me?"
G: "I am the Spirit of Christmas Past. I wish to take you on a journey---here touch my robe."
B: "Where are you taking me?"
G: "Look for yourself."
B: "Why it's our practice field---there's Coach Whisenhunt---why yes, there's Anquan Boldin...there's Kurt Warner!"
G: Why are they here on a Christmas morning?
B: Coach Whisenhunt called a practice. The team was horrendous in the snow in New England. We are heading to the playoffs. We do not wish to embarrass ourselves."
G: Speaking of the playoffs, what do you see now?"
B: Why yes that's me and Kurt Warner on the podium. look at all our cheering fans. Look at all the confetti!
G: What is that your are hoisting?
B. It's the Halas Trophy! My Cardinals won the NFC Championship!
G: What is Kurt Warner saying?
B: He is praising the good Lord.
G: He is a kind fellow that Kurt Warner, isn't he?
B: He is.
G: Look at him here.
B: Yes, why, it's the Super Bowl! Yes! There he is! Why look at that pass! Yes! Run Larry Run! Touchdown! The Cardinals lead the Super Bowl! 2:37 to go!
G: Now look at him here.
B: Yes, well there he is with his wife Brenda and his family.
G: Why is he lamenting?
B: I don't know.
G: Let's listen in.
KW: Honey, I just don't understand why they can't pay me what I deserve. I took them to the Super Bowl on a 5 mil salary. I mean it's not simply the money---it's the recognition---you know---it's the principle. I mean after all, think of how many of the tornado and flood victims in Iowa we could help---if we only were offered the just compensation---especially without having to practically beg for it.
BW: Oh, that Ebenezer Bidwill, he's just a parsimonious old fool.
KW: Oh my dear, he took a chance on me when no one else would. I owe him that much, my dear.
BW: Yes, but you led the hapless Cardinals---of all teams---to the Super Bowl and what does this miser do?
Phone rings.
KW: Yes, this is he.
MS: Hey Kurt it's Mike. Mike Singletary.
KW: Hey Mike. What's up?
MS: How are negotiations with the Bidwills going?
KW: Not nearly as well as I expected.
MS: Boy, that's a big surprise, isn't it? Ha-ha-ha. Well, seeing as you have been having trouble beating us, ha ha ha, why don't you join us? I mean, with you at QB, Frank Gore at RB and Vernon Davis at TE, and with MY ferocious defense---we could make our own run at a ring...only this time...you will go out a winner.
KW: Gee, Mike, my family seems settled in Arizona. I don't know.
MS: Well, Kurt, nothing quite beats living in the Bay area. Brenda and the kids might relish the San Francisco treats. Listen, we plan to fly our corporate jet down there to pick you and Brenda up. You are welcome to bring the kids too if you wish. We are big into family here.
B: Oh, cruel spirit, I have seen ENOUGH!"
G: No quite all...you need to watch this.
Phone rings.
KW: Yes this is he.
DR: Hey, Kurt, Dave Razzone here.
KW: Hey, Dave! How's your retirement going?
DR: Well, I am actually writing football columns these days and loving it.
KW: Hey, that's great. In a year I will be probably asking you for some retirement advice.
DR: In a year? Didn't you just re-up with the Cardinals for two years?
KW: I did. But I have to tell you Dave, these negotiations have taken the wind out of my sails.
DR: Yeah, nothing like negotiating with Ebenezer Bidwill. He managed to save every penny on you, didn't he?
KW: If it weren't for my family, Dave, and wanting to keep them in place, I would have taken the 49ers' deal---at least the Niners didn't insult me by lowballing me. In fact, they threw a red carpet at me and Brenda.
DR: Yeah, top 5 QBs in the NFL deserve top 5 money.
KW: Apparently, not if you play for the Bidwills.
B: ENOUGH! I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH!
Poof. Camera pans to Bidwill clutching his bed post and murmuring ENOUGH...when...the clock strikes one.
Ghost of Christmas Present
G: Wake up Ebenezer---I am the Spirit of Christmas Present. It's time to journey onward.
B: Oh must I go, spirit? I am too old. Why do you waste your time with me?
G: Touch my robe and you shall see.
Ken Whisenhunt: Mr. B, I need to talk with you.
B: Come in Ken. What is it?
KW: Sir. I need another quarterback.
B: What? You have Heisman Trophy Winner Matt Leinart and the big-armed player we signed in the off-season, what's his name?
KW: Derek Anderson, sir.
B: We have a lot of money invested in those two.
KW: Yes, sir, But we still are $40M under the cap and the coaches and I have not been impressed with what we've seen in mini-camp from Leinart and Anderson. Marc Bulger just became available---we would like to throw him in the mix.
B: This is out of the question.
KW: But, sir.
B: No buts. Go and get the most out of Leinart and Anderson.
KW: But, sir.....
B: Move on, spirit. MOVE ON!
B: Why it's the Ram game---we are at home---look, spirit, the stadium is full!
G: Yes, true...but look at the faces of your fans. Why do they lament?
B: Yes, yes I know. Three home games in the last four weeks versus our NFC West rivals---and---
G: And what?
B: We lost all three by the combined score of...
G: Of what?
B: Er---82-30.
G: Look at your fans. They continue to spend their hard earned money to come to your games. Yet, this year, you elected to hoard $40 million dollars...
B: ENOUGH CRUEL SPIRIT! ENOUGH!
G: I have one last request of you.
B: What is it?
G: Of course you know Dan Bickley of the Arizona Republic?
B: Yes. Not a big fan.
G: Here, you must read Mr. Bickley's column in today's paper on the Christmas Eve of the 2011 NFL Season. Here I will read it to you.
DB: The new CBA establishes a higher threshold of minimum spending. This will help the Cardinals, a franchise WITH MISERLY TENDENCIES IN ITS DNA. Last year, the team was nearly $40M under the salary cap, FEARFUL of how a prolonged work stoppage would IMPACT the BIDWILL BOTTOM LINE.
B: ENOUGH! ENOUGH I SAY!
Poof! The camera pans to Bidwill grasping his bedposts with ferocity as he murmurs 'bottom line...bottom line." The clock strike two!
Ghost of Christmas Future
G: Wake up Ebenezer. I am the Spirit of Christmas Future. It's time to ride you into the shadows that lie ahead.
B: But, can't you see? I am too old. Too set in my ways. Let an old man lie. Leave me to myself.
G: For the sake of Cardinal coaches, players and fans everywhere, you must ride this last journey with me. Touch my robe.
G: Do you recognize where we are?
B: Why yes! It's the annual owners convention. Look! There's my customary chair near the head of the table. There's Jerry Jones. There's Dan Rooney. There's Arthur Blank.
G: Why is your seat empty?
B: I should be arriving any minute.
G: Let's listen in, shall we?
JJ: Got to hand it to the old man---hey, he got them to The Show.
DR: Came within a whisker too of winning the danged thing.
AB: Sure had their way with us that year. We had the lead at half-time and things were going our way until Rolle picked up that fumble and raced it in.
JJ: Too bad the old man couldn't hold on to the best thing that ever happened to him.
DR: Yes. I have always said, what separates the true winners from losers is how you handle success. The old man didn't seem quite equipped to do that.
AB: Man, they went from first to worst in a flash, didn't they? Weakest division in football too.
B: ENOUGH! NO MORE OF THIS! NO MORE I SAY!
G: One more peek into the future and our journey will conclude.
G: Do you recognize where we are?
B: Sure, it's my U of P stadium. But what have we here?
G: A record number of empty seats.
B: What happened to my fans?
G: Guess they were protecting their own bottom lines.
B: Is that my son coaching?
G: Yes, it is.
B: He's no coach!
G: Yes, but, no other coach wanted to work for the organization. Look at the scoreboard. Seattle 56 Arizona 3. Look at the game banner.
B: Why does it say BYE BYE BIRDIES?
G: You will need to listen in to your son's post-game presser.
BBJr.: Well, this is a sad day in Cardinal football history.
Kent Somers: Will you remain a fan of the franchise?
BBJr,: Well, having just sold the organization to LA...and worse of all, when the LA people insisted that they not be required to retain the Cardinal name, there really are no more Cardinals to root for, are there?
Dan Bickley: That is, unless the St. Louis franchise re-claims the name.
B: ENOUGH! HOW COULD YOU SHOW ME THIS! Dear spirit, are these the shadows of things to come...or are they only the shadows of what might be?
G: You must look into you heart for the answers, Ebenezer...the answers are in your heart. The answers are there---and the answers are also HERE (the Spirit opens his robes to reveal two emaciated, squalid urchins crouched at his feet).
G: This girl is IGNORANCE and this boy is WANT. Beware of them both---but most of all, beware of this BOY.
B: (on his knees, clutching the bottom hem of the spirit's robe) I am NOT the owner I used to be...I am NOT the owner I used to be...I am NOT...
May it be said---at last---of Mr. Ebenezer Bidwill...that he "was good to his word... and that he knew how to keep Christmas well...if any man alive possessed the knowledge."
May it be said of Bidwill that he saved the life of this Tiny Tim of a franchise once and for all---
And most importantly, may it be said in the immortal words of Tiny Tim himself, "God bless us, everyone!"
The Ghost of Christmas Past
Ghost: "Wake up Ebenezer."
Bidwill: "Who is it? What do want from me?"
G: "I am the Spirit of Christmas Past. I wish to take you on a journey---here touch my robe."
B: "Where are you taking me?"
G: "Look for yourself."
B: "Why it's our practice field---there's Coach Whisenhunt---why yes, there's Anquan Boldin...there's Kurt Warner!"
G: Why are they here on a Christmas morning?
B: Coach Whisenhunt called a practice. The team was horrendous in the snow in New England. We are heading to the playoffs. We do not wish to embarrass ourselves."
G: Speaking of the playoffs, what do you see now?"
B: Why yes that's me and Kurt Warner on the podium. look at all our cheering fans. Look at all the confetti!
G: What is that your are hoisting?
B. It's the Halas Trophy! My Cardinals won the NFC Championship!
G: What is Kurt Warner saying?
B: He is praising the good Lord.
G: He is a kind fellow that Kurt Warner, isn't he?
B: He is.
G: Look at him here.
B: Yes, why, it's the Super Bowl! Yes! There he is! Why look at that pass! Yes! Run Larry Run! Touchdown! The Cardinals lead the Super Bowl! 2:37 to go!
G: Now look at him here.
B: Yes, well there he is with his wife Brenda and his family.
G: Why is he lamenting?
B: I don't know.
G: Let's listen in.
KW: Honey, I just don't understand why they can't pay me what I deserve. I took them to the Super Bowl on a 5 mil salary. I mean it's not simply the money---it's the recognition---you know---it's the principle. I mean after all, think of how many of the tornado and flood victims in Iowa we could help---if we only were offered the just compensation---especially without having to practically beg for it.
BW: Oh, that Ebenezer Bidwill, he's just a parsimonious old fool.
KW: Oh my dear, he took a chance on me when no one else would. I owe him that much, my dear.
BW: Yes, but you led the hapless Cardinals---of all teams---to the Super Bowl and what does this miser do?
Phone rings.
KW: Yes, this is he.
MS: Hey Kurt it's Mike. Mike Singletary.
KW: Hey Mike. What's up?
MS: How are negotiations with the Bidwills going?
KW: Not nearly as well as I expected.
MS: Boy, that's a big surprise, isn't it? Ha-ha-ha. Well, seeing as you have been having trouble beating us, ha ha ha, why don't you join us? I mean, with you at QB, Frank Gore at RB and Vernon Davis at TE, and with MY ferocious defense---we could make our own run at a ring...only this time...you will go out a winner.
KW: Gee, Mike, my family seems settled in Arizona. I don't know.
MS: Well, Kurt, nothing quite beats living in the Bay area. Brenda and the kids might relish the San Francisco treats. Listen, we plan to fly our corporate jet down there to pick you and Brenda up. You are welcome to bring the kids too if you wish. We are big into family here.
B: Oh, cruel spirit, I have seen ENOUGH!"
G: No quite all...you need to watch this.
Phone rings.
KW: Yes this is he.
DR: Hey, Kurt, Dave Razzone here.
KW: Hey, Dave! How's your retirement going?
DR: Well, I am actually writing football columns these days and loving it.
KW: Hey, that's great. In a year I will be probably asking you for some retirement advice.
DR: In a year? Didn't you just re-up with the Cardinals for two years?
KW: I did. But I have to tell you Dave, these negotiations have taken the wind out of my sails.
DR: Yeah, nothing like negotiating with Ebenezer Bidwill. He managed to save every penny on you, didn't he?
KW: If it weren't for my family, Dave, and wanting to keep them in place, I would have taken the 49ers' deal---at least the Niners didn't insult me by lowballing me. In fact, they threw a red carpet at me and Brenda.
DR: Yeah, top 5 QBs in the NFL deserve top 5 money.
KW: Apparently, not if you play for the Bidwills.
B: ENOUGH! I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH!
Poof. Camera pans to Bidwill clutching his bed post and murmuring ENOUGH...when...the clock strikes one.
Ghost of Christmas Present
G: Wake up Ebenezer---I am the Spirit of Christmas Present. It's time to journey onward.
B: Oh must I go, spirit? I am too old. Why do you waste your time with me?
G: Touch my robe and you shall see.
Ken Whisenhunt: Mr. B, I need to talk with you.
B: Come in Ken. What is it?
KW: Sir. I need another quarterback.
B: What? You have Heisman Trophy Winner Matt Leinart and the big-armed player we signed in the off-season, what's his name?
KW: Derek Anderson, sir.
B: We have a lot of money invested in those two.
KW: Yes, sir, But we still are $40M under the cap and the coaches and I have not been impressed with what we've seen in mini-camp from Leinart and Anderson. Marc Bulger just became available---we would like to throw him in the mix.
B: This is out of the question.
KW: But, sir.
B: No buts. Go and get the most out of Leinart and Anderson.
KW: But, sir.....
B: Move on, spirit. MOVE ON!
B: Why it's the Ram game---we are at home---look, spirit, the stadium is full!
G: Yes, true...but look at the faces of your fans. Why do they lament?
B: Yes, yes I know. Three home games in the last four weeks versus our NFC West rivals---and---
G: And what?
B: We lost all three by the combined score of...
G: Of what?
B: Er---82-30.
G: Look at your fans. They continue to spend their hard earned money to come to your games. Yet, this year, you elected to hoard $40 million dollars...
B: ENOUGH CRUEL SPIRIT! ENOUGH!
G: I have one last request of you.
B: What is it?
G: Of course you know Dan Bickley of the Arizona Republic?
B: Yes. Not a big fan.
G: Here, you must read Mr. Bickley's column in today's paper on the Christmas Eve of the 2011 NFL Season. Here I will read it to you.
DB: The new CBA establishes a higher threshold of minimum spending. This will help the Cardinals, a franchise WITH MISERLY TENDENCIES IN ITS DNA. Last year, the team was nearly $40M under the salary cap, FEARFUL of how a prolonged work stoppage would IMPACT the BIDWILL BOTTOM LINE.
B: ENOUGH! ENOUGH I SAY!
Poof! The camera pans to Bidwill grasping his bedposts with ferocity as he murmurs 'bottom line...bottom line." The clock strike two!
Ghost of Christmas Future
G: Wake up Ebenezer. I am the Spirit of Christmas Future. It's time to ride you into the shadows that lie ahead.
B: But, can't you see? I am too old. Too set in my ways. Let an old man lie. Leave me to myself.
G: For the sake of Cardinal coaches, players and fans everywhere, you must ride this last journey with me. Touch my robe.
G: Do you recognize where we are?
B: Why yes! It's the annual owners convention. Look! There's my customary chair near the head of the table. There's Jerry Jones. There's Dan Rooney. There's Arthur Blank.
G: Why is your seat empty?
B: I should be arriving any minute.
G: Let's listen in, shall we?
JJ: Got to hand it to the old man---hey, he got them to The Show.
DR: Came within a whisker too of winning the danged thing.
AB: Sure had their way with us that year. We had the lead at half-time and things were going our way until Rolle picked up that fumble and raced it in.
JJ: Too bad the old man couldn't hold on to the best thing that ever happened to him.
DR: Yes. I have always said, what separates the true winners from losers is how you handle success. The old man didn't seem quite equipped to do that.
AB: Man, they went from first to worst in a flash, didn't they? Weakest division in football too.
B: ENOUGH! NO MORE OF THIS! NO MORE I SAY!
G: One more peek into the future and our journey will conclude.
G: Do you recognize where we are?
B: Sure, it's my U of P stadium. But what have we here?
G: A record number of empty seats.
B: What happened to my fans?
G: Guess they were protecting their own bottom lines.
B: Is that my son coaching?
G: Yes, it is.
B: He's no coach!
G: Yes, but, no other coach wanted to work for the organization. Look at the scoreboard. Seattle 56 Arizona 3. Look at the game banner.
B: Why does it say BYE BYE BIRDIES?
G: You will need to listen in to your son's post-game presser.
BBJr.: Well, this is a sad day in Cardinal football history.
Kent Somers: Will you remain a fan of the franchise?
BBJr,: Well, having just sold the organization to LA...and worse of all, when the LA people insisted that they not be required to retain the Cardinal name, there really are no more Cardinals to root for, are there?
Dan Bickley: That is, unless the St. Louis franchise re-claims the name.
B: ENOUGH! HOW COULD YOU SHOW ME THIS! Dear spirit, are these the shadows of things to come...or are they only the shadows of what might be?
G: You must look into you heart for the answers, Ebenezer...the answers are in your heart. The answers are there---and the answers are also HERE (the Spirit opens his robes to reveal two emaciated, squalid urchins crouched at his feet).
G: This girl is IGNORANCE and this boy is WANT. Beware of them both---but most of all, beware of this BOY.
B: (on his knees, clutching the bottom hem of the spirit's robe) I am NOT the owner I used to be...I am NOT the owner I used to be...I am NOT...
May it be said---at last---of Mr. Ebenezer Bidwill...that he "was good to his word... and that he knew how to keep Christmas well...if any man alive possessed the knowledge."
May it be said of Bidwill that he saved the life of this Tiny Tim of a franchise once and for all---
And most importantly, may it be said in the immortal words of Tiny Tim himself, "God bless us, everyone!"
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