Why Your Team Sucks 2026: Arizona Cardinals

[kerouac9]

Why Your Team Sucks 2026: Arizona Cardinals | Defector

Some people are fans of the Arizona Cardinals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Arizona Cardinals. This 2026 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: “Oh my goodness.” Oh yeah, those are the Arizona Cardinals all...

defector.com

A tradition unlike any other (NSFW)

 

[602 Native]

Why Your Team Sucks 2026: Arizona Cardinals | Defector

Some people are fans of the Arizona Cardinals. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Arizona Cardinals. This 2026 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: “Oh my goodness.” Oh yeah, those are the Arizona Cardinals all...

defector.com

A tradition unlike any other (NSFW)

Reading that opening just makes me want to puke because our first 3 losses were all coaching issues. Even Demarcado dropping the ball at the goal line. JG talked about wanting killers but ran an undisciplined team at every level. The drop was just the cherry on top of that crap Sundae he created.

 

[602 Native]

This is an absolutely brutal article.

"Your coach: Mike LaFleur. The fact that he accepted this job tells you that he’s an awful decision-maker. The Browns found someone willing to take their head coaching job before the Cardinals could—that’s how unattractive they are as an organization. Every decent head-coaching candidate took one look at Arizona, went temporarily blind when they gazed at the sunlight reflecting off of GM Monti Ossenfort’s bald pate, and quickly passed. But Milton LaFleur, who served as Sean McVay’s towel boy a year ago, decided a job was a job. Morgan LaFleur was also the Jets OC under Robert Saleh for a couple of years, and look which other former Jets OC he brought with him to the desert:"

 

[some dumb guy]

Well...........happy hour just started!

 

[602 Native]

Well...........happy hour just started!

You're gonna have to drink and smoke a lot to watch this team this year.

 

[MadCardDisease]

But seven years in Arizona wears on a man, especially when that man is already the size of a pencil eraser.

Classic!!!

 

[MadCardDisease]

This is an absolutely brutal article.

It's a satire that they do for every team.

 

[602 Native]

It's a satire that they do for every team.

You must be registered for see images attach

 

[602 Native]

Yeah I fail to see the satire.

"
What? Nathaniel Hackett? Aaron Rodgers’s therapy dog? Are you freaking kidding me? Why would you do that? I wouldn’t hire Nathaniel Hackett to flick a light switch. Well, at least he won’t be occupying a meaningful role on this coaching staff.

[an aide whispers in my ear]

They made him the OC?! What? Who does that? Who watched this cornholio go one and done as head coach in Denver and was like, “Now THAT’S brainpower”? Ask this man to draw up a simple running play and somehow a bus full of schoolchildren ends up crashing into a ravine. The second this idiot walks into the meeting room and cranks up the Vertical Horizon, every player will whip out their phones. Well, look, Mario LaFleur must have at least found himself a capable assistant to run things on the other side of the ball. At least he’ll make an effort to improve what was the sixth-worst defense in football a year ago.

[the aide comes back]

HE KEPT THE SAME cornholio THAT WAS THERE LAST YEAR? I’ve seen XFL teams with better coaching staffs. They didn’t even change GMs. Monti Ossenfort—whom I will refer to as Monti Awfulfart for the rest of this preview—is the guy who’ll get to preside over this tank job, and then piss away every valuable draft pick that results from it. Let’s see who the first phase of Awfulfart’s rebuilding plan is shaping up."

 

[MadCardDisease]

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They are all really well done:

Why Your Team Sucks Archives | Defector

defector.com

 

[kerouac9]

It's a satire that they do for every team.

It’s not a satire but they do it for every team.

 

[BooksOrangePlanet]

it's a roast - geez

 

[602 Native]

it's a roast - geez

Easy to do when you're the worst sports franchise in history.

 

[BooksOrangePlanet]

Easy to do when you're the worst sports franchise in history.

you're act is so old - we are all well aware how much this team sucks - and how forever butt hurt you are over quitter murray - and how you're never going to take down the alter - we get it lol

 

[MadCardDisease]

It’s not a satire but they do it for every team.

Alright a roast of every team. You know what I meant. No one is safe from these guys.

 

[602 Native]

you're act is so old - we are all well aware how much this team sucks - and how forever butt hurt you are over quitter murray - and how you're never going to take down the alter - we get it lol

You follow me like a lost puppy keep it coming.

 

[BooksOrangePlanet]

You follow me like a lost puppy keep it coming.

kyler murray is a quitter
that's why his career's in the shi**er
it's cuz he plays scared
it's cuz he don't care
it's cuz he isn't bigger

 

[Adrian]

This thread is locked until further notice. Better than the alternative.