The Leningrad Gazette

[Djaughe]

:notworthy

Football, autocracies clash in season opener

By Gil Gaddabout
Disassociated Press

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Call it the battle for autocratic authority, American style.

Georgia fell to the Bolsheviks in 1917, but the Leningrad Czars will be looking to extract revenge from the suspiciously-named, Marxist-tinged Georgian Freedom Fighters in Saturday's Goal Line Blitz matchup.

It's the season-opener for both Cyrillic-speaking, Vodka-swilling teams.

The Czars will face a formidable challenge penetrating the Georgian offensive line, led by center John Wade and tackle Paul Gruber, but level 41 defensive tackle Edgar Lockett believes his unit is up to the challenge.

"They're strong, but we'll be all right," Lockett said. "We just have to play as a team, hold our gaps and get up field. I think we're better than them, but you won't get me to say that."

The Leningrad defense will be facing a balanced -- if not overly potent -- attack from Level 36 quarterback Slingin' Soloman Johnson and Level 35 halfback Ernest P Worrell. But it's that frontline that averages nearly Level 39 from tackle to tackle that poses the biggest threat.

On offense, the Czars expect to find some success behind veteran running back Emil Blonksy and formidable center Slam Stackwell, who will be facing the relatively inexperienced Major Sax at nose tackle. It's a match-up co-General Manager Jughead hinted could be key to the game plan.

"Football is about match-ups, and winning football is about winning match-ups," a coy Jughead said when asked about the Czar running attack. "We plan to win the match-ups where we match-up well, and we'll avoid the match-ups where the match-ups don't make any sense."

When told of Jughead's comment, Stackwell was obtuse.

"I just like to hit people. Just point me in a direction and tell me to hit it, and I'll hit it. I don't care who's across from me. If you told me to hit my mother, I'd hit my mother. And I love my mother," Stackwell said.

Jughead said he was not aware if there were any match-up advantages against Stackwell's mother, but he would have to consult the scouting staff before commenting.

If Leningrad can survive what is anticipated to be a physical game against the Freedom Fighters, they should be in good shape for Monday's game against the weak-kneed Estonia-based Tallinn Metsavennad.

 

[D-Dogg]

If you told me to hit my mother, I'd hit my mother. And I love my mother,"

That's oustanding!

 

[Beaver]

 

[jf-08]

Wow.

Excellent!!!!!!!

 

[Gaddabout]

Czars season-opening preview

Football, autocracies clash in season opener

By Gil Gaddabout
Disassociated Press

Call it the battle for autocratic authority, American style.

Georgia fell to the Bolsheviks in 1917, but the Leningrad Czars will be looking to extract revenge from the suspiciously-named, Marxist-tinged Georgian Freedom Fighters in Saturday's Goal Line Blitz matchup.

It's the season-opener for both Cyrillic-speaking, Vodka-swilling teams.

The Czars will face a formidable challenge penetrating the Georgian offensive line, led by center John Wade and tackle Paul Gruber, but level 41 defensive tackle Edgar Lockett believes his unit is up to the challenge.

"They're strong, but we'll be all right," Lockett said. "We just have to play as a team, hold our gaps and get up field. I think we're better than them, but you won't get me to say that."

The Leningrad defense will be facing a balanced -- if not overly potent -- attack from Level 36 quarterback Slingin' Soloman Johnson and Level 35 halfback Ernest P Worrell. But it's that frontline that averages nearly Level 39 from tackle to tackle that poses the biggest threat.

On offense, the Czars expect to find some success behind veteran running back Emil Blonksy and formidable center Slam Stackwell, who will be facing the relatively inexperienced Major Sax at nose tackle. It's a match-up co-General Manager Jughead hinted could be key to the game plan.

"Football is about match-ups, and winning football is about winning match-ups," a coy Jughead said when asked about the Czar running attack. "We plan to win the match-ups where we match-up well, and we'll avoid the match-ups where the match-ups don't make any sense."

When told of Jughead's comment, Stackwell was obtuse.

"I just like to hit people. Just point me in a direction and tell me to hit it, and I'll hit it. I don't care who's across from me. If you told me to hit my mother, I'd hit my mother. And I love my mother," Stackwell said.

Jughead said he was not aware if there were any match-up advantages against Stackwell's mother, but he would have to consult the scouting staff before commenting.

If Leningrad can survive what is anticipated to be a physical game against the Freedom Fighters, they should be in good shape for Monday's game against the weak-kneed Estonia-based Tallinn Metsavennad.

 

[Gaddabout]

Notebook just filed ...

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Ticket scalping on rise

Czars front-office personnel were dismayed to learn the growing popularity of the football team has given an unusual value to their tickets. As of Thursday the Ministry of Pointless Numbers reported the bartered value of two single-game duckets to the season opener as follows:

- 3 pair of Levis
- 40 bottles of heating oil
- Two tanks or a MiG
- One free "Get Out of Siberia" card

Public relations officer Shinnik "Shiny" Yaroslav said Russians have learned the hard way there's no way to control the open market, but the team was satisfied people are interested in the team.

"I think Leningrad residents have learned American football is so much more relaxing than Firing Squad Sunday re-runs," he said. "We are committed to this community, and if our tickets are indirectly used in the wholesaling of our military's aging armory, that's a sacrifice we're willing to make to be a successful team."

Dukes goes Hollywood

Nose tackle Fredrick Dukes downplayed his recent cameo on the Polish hit cable TV show The Sopranowskis, but the irony of an Austria native playing the role of a Russian-Polish hitman was not lost on teammates Benji Grimm and Bane Knightfall.

"He handled his gun like a prissy little girl. No former KGB officer would handle a gun like that ... Not that I would know," Knightfall said.

Grimm, who acquired numerous acting credits himself under the alias Dick Dangle before discovering football, was more direct in his hazing.

"He's going all Tony Romo on us now."

Dukes' acting debut can be seen at 10 p.m. next Wednesday on Ch. 2. Grimm can be seen on Cinemax "Late Night" programming all month.

Notable quotes

Safety Avatar Aang, after returning from the film room to study how he get burned for a touchdown in a scrimmage against East Berlin: "Strangely, in slow motion, the ball seemed to hang up there even longer."

- Gil Gaddabout, Disassociated Press

- 30 -

 

[Djaughe]

Notable quotes

Safety Avatar Aang, after returning from the film room to study how he get burned for a touchdown in a scrimmage against East Berlin: "Strangely, in slow motion, the ball seemed to hang up there even longer."

You must be registered for see images

 

[SuperSpck]

Ut oh. It's got history, comedy, and old football anecdotes.

Now I'm totally lost.



Very fun read Gad, glad to have you aboard the GLB express.

 

[Gaddabout]

Please send me a private message if you have any hot story tips!

 

[Gaddabout]

Hot off the presses ...

Players failing to upgrade equipment

By Gil Gaddabout
Disassociated Press

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A high-ranking Czars official expressed concern that more than a dozen Czars players have failed to upgrade their equipment despite team funds made available to them to do so.
​

The official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, openly questioned the players' commitment to team goals.

"Are they getting payola? Are they ready to toss in the season before it begins?"

As of press time, the following players have ignored their available equipment funds:

Avatar Aang - FS
Jimmy Bagadonuts - CB
Beta Ray Bill - DE
Emil Blonsky - HB
Jimmie Bustamante - WR
Francis Castle - LB
Fredrick Dukes - DT
Benji Grimm - OG
Jimmy Howlett - FS
Mathew Murdock - SS
Pete Parker - CB
Benjamin Poindexter - QB
Ken Shockley - DT
Gimme Six - HB
Dane Whitman - C

A GLB spokesman said while such indifference is not unprecedented, it's usually a sign of team abandonment or loss of interest -- neither pointing to future team success.

"Can you imagine a politician turning down a handout? Or a rock star turning down free cocaine? It's unimaginable. These are the tools of the industry and you don't succeed without them," he said, also requesting his name withheld from publication.

- 30 -

 

[Djaughe]

 

[jf-08]

I'm absolutely dyin' right now.

 

[Gaddabout]

All I could think about was Eric Swann complaining about the Cardinals charging him for an extra pair of socks.

 

[D-Dogg]

Great stuff Gad.

BTW, Gimmie 6 actually has an extra 200K of equip dollars he can't use.

Also, are we not getting paid in the offseason? Because J-BAD hasn't been getting any salary, and thus, he can't train. I have 11 training points sitting there I can't use.