Dear Mr. Michael Bidwill,
Do you still think I was kidding when I said I'd keep writing these missives until you responded? Are you nuts? I can knock these things out like skittles shooting out the butt of a magical unicorn. As long as a hurricane doesn't knock out the power to half the Eastern Seaboard again then I'm gonna remain your worst nightmare - a guy with a computer, an endless supply of "5 Hour Energy" bottles and whole hell of a lot of good ideas for fixing your mess. Oh, and I've ordered a generator, so you can stop praying for another massive power outage right now. Pray for the Cardinals instead.
Let me take this opportunity to remind you of what I wrote in "Letter #5,114 To Michael Bidwill". As you recall, that's the one where I concluded my "How Would Andy Dufresne Implement a 4-3 Defense?" symposium. Here is the shortened version:
1) Four thousand scores and seven defensive coordinators ago your forefather brought forth in Arizona a new defense, conceived in stupidity, and dedicated to the proposition that all linebackers are created equal.
Now Mr. Mike Bidwill, you and I are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that team, or any team, so ill-conceived and so disorganized, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war and it's "go" time for me and you Mikey B, mano-a-mano. I think it's time to dedicate a portion of the UofP field, as a final resting place for those coaches who here gave their jobs that that the Cardinal nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this, you lousy letter-ignoring s.o.b..
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this stadium ground in Glendale. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract, with the exception of Rod Graves who should have been fired years ago - but I digress. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but thank goodness the internet saves everything I say for forever - or at least as long as Keebali pays their co-location fees. It is for us the living pissed of fans, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—do a better job of drafting (See: Letters #935-#989 to Michael Bidwill) find a head coach who treats their players with respect (Letters # 205- #433) giving Kurt Warner your last full measure of devotion (#4, #1011, #4500 to 34)—that we here highly resolve that these changes will not have been made in vain—that this Cardinal nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that intelligent game-planning of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
2) X's & O's -
Buddy Ryan, before he became a failed cardinal head coach once developed a little-known defensive system based upon the British defensive doctrine of 1914 which suggested a main trench system of three parallel lines, interconnected by communications trenches. The point at which a communications trench intersected the front trench was of critical importance, and it was usually heavily fortified. The front trench was lightly garrisoned and typically only occupied in force during "stand to" at dawn and dusk. Between 70 and 100 yards (64–91 m) behind the front trench was located the support (or "travel") trench, to which the garrison would retreat when the front trench was bombarded.
Between 300 and 500 yards (275–460 m) further to the rear was located the third reserve trench, where the reserve troops could amass for a counter-attack if the front trenches were captured. This defensive layout was soon rendered obsolete as the power of artillery grew; however, in certain sectors of the front, the support trench was maintained as a decoy to attract the enemy bombardment away from the front and reserve lines. Fires were lit in the support line to make it appear inhabited and any damage done immediately repaired.
Mike, there's no reason why we couldn't implement the same thing. We can do it. I'll explain over my next dozen letters or so.
3) Hire this guy as your general manager.
4) Russ Grimm - Virginia Woolf said it best:
As I wrote in Letter #15 three days ago, the time for making a change has come and might be close to going. I am trying my best to remain hopeful that you are beginning to see the light, however I am somewhat losing faith. Thanks, however, for the helpful letter you had your attorneys send me in regards to "harassment" and "stalking" laws in Arizona. I'm not planning a trip to the Phoenix area in the near future so I'm sorry that I won't be able to take you up on your offer to meet that interesting Sheriff Joe guy.
Anyway, there is still time to go get Mathis.
Signed,
A Very Concerned Cardinals Fan Somewhere in the Great State of Massachusetts With A Lot of Things On His Mind
Do you still think I was kidding when I said I'd keep writing these missives until you responded? Are you nuts? I can knock these things out like skittles shooting out the butt of a magical unicorn. As long as a hurricane doesn't knock out the power to half the Eastern Seaboard again then I'm gonna remain your worst nightmare - a guy with a computer, an endless supply of "5 Hour Energy" bottles and whole hell of a lot of good ideas for fixing your mess. Oh, and I've ordered a generator, so you can stop praying for another massive power outage right now. Pray for the Cardinals instead.
Let me take this opportunity to remind you of what I wrote in "Letter #5,114 To Michael Bidwill". As you recall, that's the one where I concluded my "How Would Andy Dufresne Implement a 4-3 Defense?" symposium. Here is the shortened version:
1) Four thousand scores and seven defensive coordinators ago your forefather brought forth in Arizona a new defense, conceived in stupidity, and dedicated to the proposition that all linebackers are created equal.
Now Mr. Mike Bidwill, you and I are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that team, or any team, so ill-conceived and so disorganized, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war and it's "go" time for me and you Mikey B, mano-a-mano. I think it's time to dedicate a portion of the UofP field, as a final resting place for those coaches who here gave their jobs that that the Cardinal nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this, you lousy letter-ignoring s.o.b..
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this stadium ground in Glendale. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract, with the exception of Rod Graves who should have been fired years ago - but I digress. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but thank goodness the internet saves everything I say for forever - or at least as long as Keebali pays their co-location fees. It is for us the living pissed of fans, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—do a better job of drafting (See: Letters #935-#989 to Michael Bidwill) find a head coach who treats their players with respect (Letters # 205- #433) giving Kurt Warner your last full measure of devotion (#4, #1011, #4500 to 34)—that we here highly resolve that these changes will not have been made in vain—that this Cardinal nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that intelligent game-planning of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
2) X's & O's -
Buddy Ryan, before he became a failed cardinal head coach once developed a little-known defensive system based upon the British defensive doctrine of 1914 which suggested a main trench system of three parallel lines, interconnected by communications trenches. The point at which a communications trench intersected the front trench was of critical importance, and it was usually heavily fortified. The front trench was lightly garrisoned and typically only occupied in force during "stand to" at dawn and dusk. Between 70 and 100 yards (64–91 m) behind the front trench was located the support (or "travel") trench, to which the garrison would retreat when the front trench was bombarded.
Between 300 and 500 yards (275–460 m) further to the rear was located the third reserve trench, where the reserve troops could amass for a counter-attack if the front trenches were captured. This defensive layout was soon rendered obsolete as the power of artillery grew; however, in certain sectors of the front, the support trench was maintained as a decoy to attract the enemy bombardment away from the front and reserve lines. Fires were lit in the support line to make it appear inhabited and any damage done immediately repaired.
Mike, there's no reason why we couldn't implement the same thing. We can do it. I'll explain over my next dozen letters or so.
3) Hire this guy as your general manager.
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4) Russ Grimm - Virginia Woolf said it best:
The O-line schemes of Russ Grimm are seething whirlpools, gyrating sandstorms, waterspouts which hiss and boil and suck us in. They are composed purely and wholly of the stuff of the soul. Against our wills we are drawn in, whirled round, blinded, suffocated, and at the same time filled with a giddy rapture.
I have no idea what she means, just like Grimm has no idea how to build a cohesive front line. She had a good point about the "suck" stuff however. (See: Letters #5,121 - #5,234 to Michael Bidwill - except for #5,195 which refers to Ken Whisenhunt sucking)
As I wrote in Letter #15 three days ago, the time for making a change has come and might be close to going. I am trying my best to remain hopeful that you are beginning to see the light, however I am somewhat losing faith. Thanks, however, for the helpful letter you had your attorneys send me in regards to "harassment" and "stalking" laws in Arizona. I'm not planning a trip to the Phoenix area in the near future so I'm sorry that I won't be able to take you up on your offer to meet that interesting Sheriff Joe guy.
Anyway, there is still time to go get Mathis.
Signed,
A Very Concerned Cardinals Fan Somewhere in the Great State of Massachusetts With A Lot of Things On His Mind
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I was already laughing but that time sequence just killed it. (and I'm a big Mitch fan too JTS)
This post was CRAZY GOOD! I will keep the generator fired up---you keep feeding your tank with plenty of that sweet salt water! Heaping plenty of chub your way, brother! Feast on! Cuz, as you know, I aint gonna stop!
