My NFL Power Ranking parody

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The NFL is not college. The only thing that matters in the pros is record and wins. The point of this thread is to make fun of the fact that some talking heads aren't buying into the Card's talent and putting 1-2 teams in front of them. Expect satire from some of the well known power rankings this week. Pretend I'm a talking head creating a power poll. This does not reflect my personal views and the purpose is to help you pass the time and hopefully make you laugh. Enjoy.


1. Green Bay Packers (2-1): The Replacement refs have screwed the packers more than once on Monday night. They got robbed so bad that I'm giving them a win in my power poll because they are a bandwag.... I mean, popular team. What about the other loss? Being beat by the beloved 49ers is like being sprinkled by fairy dust; their talent rubs off them and makes them better. Oh, and they went 15-1 last season so that entitles them to the number 1 spot this season.

1a. 49ers (2-1): Like I said earlier, the 9ers can do no wrong because they are media darlings. They lost to the Vikings? That's because the refs didn't give them 6 tiimeouts instead of 5. If it wasn't for the replacement, they would have won. How do I know? Who cares, I get paid to analyze football and you don't. :p

3. Falcons (3-0): Matt Ryan! Matt Ryan! Awesome Defense! Awesome Defense! They beat Peyton Manning! They beat Peyton Manning! Quality wins! Quality wins! They beat Peyton Manning! Their defense is the best! They beat Peyton Manning! Oh, and Matt Ryan is the best QB! Peyton Manning!

4. Texans (3-0): Matt Schaub! They beat Peyton Manning!... Okay I won't do that again. But still they have an awesome defense because that beat Peyton Manning. I don't care that they scored 25 points to almost 'win' the game, I don't care that Peyton is 1-2 with the Broncos, they beat Peyton Freaking Manning. Peyton Manning! Its the ultimate quality win.

5. Patriots (1-1): No, I'm not taking away a loss from the Raven's game, I'm taking away the Cardinal game because it never happened. Did you know the Cardinals played the Patriots? Neither did I; that's because it never happened. If the east coast media doesn't report it, it never happened. Yeah, the Pats had a week 2 bye that Sunday, isn't that what all their fans said?

6. Ravens (2-1): They beat the undefeated Patriots who were at 1-0 at the time on National TV! Baltimore is at 6 because Torrey Smith. In all seriousness, my condolences to his whole family. When a guy can play a game so effectively and help win the game on a day like that, it helps your team advance in the all important power polls. You know that part in the movie, "Angels in the Outfield" when the angel bends the foul ball post to make one of the hits a home run? That's what Torrey Smith's brother did to the upright on that last field goal.

7. Giants (2-1): They annihilated Cam Newton aka Superman! Who says they aren't super bowl bound again? New York is the shiz and if you don't live there you're a loser. That's why the NFL offices is located in New York, because its awesome! New York New York New York! Sorry, I get a ****** when I think about New York teams. Go Yankees! And I guess the Giants too.

8. Broncos (1-2): Quality losses! When you can lose to such great teams like the Falcons and Texans, it actually bumps you up in the power rankings. And that first win they had on week 1? I'm still talking about it with my co-workers because its Peyton Manning!!! If Manning himself picks the Broncos to be his team, that means the Broncos must be legit. Being ranked high on the Power rankings takes good wins, good losses, and post-prime Free Agency pick ups to bump them up. They have all three.

9. Eagles (2-1): Who cares that they got killed on a road game. In fact, why am I wasting space on my power poll saying that they lost? They have TWICE the number of wins to losses which makes them TWICE as better as that one game they lost. Besides, if you don't think Michael Vick is good, you're a racist.

10. Cowboys (2-1): Awww, America's team. Everyone hop on the Bandwagon because they are the freaking cowboys! I mean, what other team out there can go up the power polls when they lose? This team can do no wrong, and with such an amazing defense like that, they don't need an Offensive line to win the Super Bowl like I predict them to win every year but don't. Just punt the ball on 1st down!

11. Jets (2-1): Ah yes, the Giants hot-but-not-as-hot-as-the-Giants sister team. Just like the Mets like so many people like to compare them to, I expect that they'll do the Christian thing and start Tim Tebow at Revis's CB spot. What's the difference between the Quarterback and Cornerback position? The 'ta' sound you make in the middle of the word. Tebow will get the hang of it in no time ;)

12. Bears (2-1): How about 'dem BEARS!! Beating St. Louis like a boss is nothing to scoff at. With the NFC West on the rise, I can only assume that includes the Rams. I assume this because I don't pay attention the the NFC, let alone the West. I don't watch the games or read recaps, I just go by what my friends at the local bar tell me. Jay Cutler is a famous body builder model and a QB, who else can accomplish both of those things? I credit Wikipedia for that information.

13. Vikings (2-1): I contemplated taking away this win from the Vikings because of the refs, but then I realized that I'm a superstitious guy and I needed to put a sub-par team that I don't care about on unlucky number 13. I stand by my statement that the 9ers can do no wrong because they are a Cinderella team, but if the Vikings can beat them (with or without referee help), they deserve to be in the top half of the league.

14. Steelers (1-2): I don't care if both their losses were to the Browns and the Saints, these are the Steelers we're talking about! The day the Steelers are in the bottom half of a power poll is the day power polls are outlawed by every country in the world. Seriously though, what other team can ride their success from the 70's all the way til today? I'm still ranking them this high today because of all of Terry Bradshaw's Super Bowl wins.

15. Seahawks (1-2): Considering they even had a chance to beat the best team in this power ranking, you gotta give them props. This was the first Seahawk game I've paid attention to since the last time they were on national TV. One team above the middle is enough to shake their hand with one hand and stab their pride with the other. You guys know that catch wasn't legit, and if you disagree with me, you can see how much I care by referring to team number 1. Besides, you guys are in the NFC what?

16. Chargers (2-1): Yo San Diego, when are you going to win a championship? My media friends keep telling me you're going to get to the Super Bowl but you keep losing way before that point. I feel so sorry for all those four letter network guys that losing bets to me that you guys are going to make it. This is my present to you for being average. Ladies and gentlemen: I give you team middle.

17. Bengals (2-1): Now the fun begins. All you lower tier teams are here for a reason, because you suck or because the media hates you. Mostly the ladder. So Cincy, what have you done for me lately? Let's see here... last year you had a guy that flipped over a linebacker for a touchdown? Okay cool cool. But lately? You aren't as shiny as the Ochocinco/Palmer days so that means you go below 16. Oh yeah, and you barely beat the Redskins.

18. Bills (2-1): You guys are so screwed. Being in the division all these years and you still can pay your players during this playoff drought. Oh wait, what's this? You're ahead of the Patriots and the Dolphins? Ha, doesn't matter because you're at spot 18 in my all important power poll which means you're going to lose. Speaking of losing, good luck with an angry New England team!

19. Buccaneers (1-2): Whenever this team is below .500, they should be required to be in those ugly orange uniforms in order to motivate themselves to win. Or maybe that will make them suck even more? Perhaps you can trade Freeman to the 9ers so he can become the next Steve Young there, because you know, that's all you're known for... trading Young to the niners... yeah... bet you wish you could take that one back huh? Ha. Maybe one of these times you'll actually create a fumble from those kneel downs. That'll be the day.

20. Lions (1-2): I never liked that animal. Suh? No, I mean the animal, the Lion. I mean, COME ON! How many top 3 picks have you gotten the last decade? Just when we thought you'd be good, you go back to your old Lion ways. I swear the economy in Detroit is a direct reflection of the owner's greed. #conspiracy

21. Rams (1-2): They say the Cardinals should lure Kurt Warner out of retirement, but in reality, it's the Rams that should be the ones to try it out. I know the season has just started, but, there's always next year to get to the playoffs.

....
What? That's all I have to say about the Rams? Eeeeeyup.

22. Panthers (1-2): Superman Cam Newton!!!! They say you should act like you've been there before whenever you score a touchdown. I guess Scam Newton has amnesia because he sure acts like that benchwarmer in pee wee football who got his one and only touchdown every single time! Sorry Newton, RGIII is the media's new darling Black Quarterback. No more room on this affirmative action media train I'm afraid.

23. Redskins (1-2): Speaking of the that, RGIII did we ever tell you that I love you? I swear that will never change.... just don't tell Scam Newton. He used to be like you, but he changed. Don't ever listen to him okay? We'll never betray you, I give you my word as a talking head. Oh yeah, and it's nothing personal, but your team sucks.

24. Saints (0-3): Man oh man, what happened to our fairy tale of a story with the Saints. I remember the old days when you were the arm pit of the league and that Hell would freeze over when you win a super bowl. Well, my evil Grandma has died since then so I'm pretty sure that's not true anymore. Bountygate was a doozy huh? Lost some draft picks and almost lost Brees. What ever happened to that bug tapping scandal? Was it ever reported what happened? One more scandal like that and the NFL is going to pull a Penn State on your butts and re-write history; meaning no more Super Bowl. ... Look at me, I'm just like ESPN, even though you're 0-3 we still talk about you as if your still relevant and just came off your superbowl win. If I were you, I'd keep losing because that way we'll still talk about you. If you win and have an average record... meh, we'd still talk about you.

25. Chiefs (1-2): Matt Cassel, welcome to the AFC Weak. I know you've been in the division a while now, but things change while they look like they stay the same. It's sort of like the NFC West in recent years, but its in the AFC. If you think you can win, then why don't you? Oh yeah, you beat the should-be-ex-media darlings the Saints, and yet we still talk about them instead of you. Funny how that works huh? Your team is garbage by the way.

26. Jaguars (1-2): I just got off the phone with MJD and he said he wish he didn't stop holding out because your team sucks!! Congratulations for beating the winners of the Suck for Luck Sweepstakes, but right now, it doesn't look like they won anything yet. But because the way Power rankings work, you beat the team that used to have Peyton Manning and that entitles you a ranking in the 20's instead of the 30's.

27. Raiders (1-2): Gosh I hate writing "1-2" over and over and over again. Why don't teams just give up and just tie so there's some variety with the records early in the year. That's right Oakland, I'm complaining about typing in your explanation. Because that's what power ranking authors do when they have to write this crap up every, single, week!! They go on tangents such as this because their minds wander which make power rankings more of a joke... oh hey you won a game.

28. Dolphins (1-2): Just for kicks and giggles, get the GM of your team and LeBron James in the same late night talk show interview to publicly extend a contract to play with the Dolphins. Tell him that he can play any position he wants including Long Snapper. When he declines, watch me bump you up a few power ranking slots because that's what the media pays attention to. It'll be bigger news than losing next week.

29. Titans (1-2): Chris Johnson, a former 2000 yard back. Oh how the mighty have fallen. I guess when you were grouped with the likes of OJ Simpson you got scared and when 90% on your team's @$$. Or maybe it was your contract but still!! Why can't a running back carry an NFL team anymore? Go ask Vince Young that.

30. Colts (1-2): Finally the last 1-2 team. Your at the bottom of this group because I expected more out of you, Andrew Luck. Especially after all that coverage about you for 3 freaking years!! "Oh, its the next Peyton Manning!" "The QB of the decade!" "QB's like this don't come very often!" "Suck for Luck!" Okay Colts, you won the sweepstakes, now what are you going to do with your prize? How about you PROTECT IT first??? I swear if I hear Luck gets a career ending injury after hearing all that media coverage, I'm going to drop this team to number 33. It's that big of a deal.

31. Browns (0-3): Stick to Baseball Weeden, oh what you can't! OH! You just got burned! Actually, you wish your receivers could do that. Instead, you've got a Running back who's position is slowly becoming more and more irrelevant. Sigh. The only thing worse than boring Browns team is a 0-3 Browns team and trying to find ways to make fun of them. They just straight up suck.

And finally, the moment most of you have been waiting for, number 32!!!

32. Cardinals (3-0): Let me start by saying this team should be 0-3 like the lowly Browns. If Skelton didn't get hurt week 1, they would have lost to Seattle. Then in week 2 when you played the nobody's, Skelton would have been picked off several times. Also, Gronk wouldn't have been called for holding if it wasn't for those meddling refs! In week 3, your defense would have been demoralized by Skelton's constant turnovers that it would have been 27-6 Eagles. Based on the small detail about Skelton getting hurt, I say this team would have been 0-3. Everyone in the country knows this to be true.

I know I sound like a Dick when I say this, but even though I picked you to go 1-15 this season, I stick by that prediction because Roger Goodell is going to overturn your wins once the real refs are in place. Oh, what did you say? You've won 10 of your last 12 games? Well guess what, you went 1-6 before that and 5-11 before that! Therefore, that makes you suck. If it weren't for those refs, you would be 1-2. Also, Skelton should be starting per Whiz's decision. This team is all luck and is one big fluke.

Case in point, Kolb playing well. This is Kevin Freaking Kolb we're talking about. He's number 3 in QBR? ESPN phased that stat out ages ago so therefore it doesn't matter. For Kolb, its only a matter of time before he implodes, and you can take that to the bank. Fitz is going to demand a trade and the Cardinals will return to mediocrity. But wait, who am I talking to? There's no such thing as a Cardinal fan to begin with right. Well, its in my talking head contract to make a power poll and then rail on the Cardinals because that's what the East coast bias is for. The Arizona Crapinall's will never succeed in the long run.

All that matters is my pay check, and when AFC teams/east coast teams succeed, I get a raise. When teams like the Cardinals win, interest dies down and I get a pay cut. Yup, that's the conspiracy. Us talking head hate the cardinal's success.
 
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Catfish

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That was good! It can almost match some of the reasoning used by the power pollsters. Nice job. I would be laughing my ass off, but this is so close to reality that it kind of gives one a slap up-side the head for ever even considering those polls.
 

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The NFL is not college. The only thing that matters in the pros is record and wins. The point of this thread is to make fun of the fact that some talking heads aren't buying into the Card's talent and putting 1-2 teams in front of them. Expect satire from some of the well known power rankings this week. Pretend I'm a talking head creating a power poll. This does not reflect my personal views and the purpose is to help you pass the time and hopefully make you laugh. Enjoy.


1. Green Bay Packers (2-1): The Replacement refs have screwed the packers more than once on Monday night. They got robbed so bad that I'm giving them a win in my power poll because they are a bandwag.... I mean, popular team. What about the other loss? Being beat by the beloved 49ers is like being sprinkled by fairy dust; their talent rubs off them and makes them better. Oh, and they went 15-1 last season so that entitles them to the number 1 spot this season.

1a. 49ers (2-1): Like I said earlier, the 9ers can do no wrong because they are media darlings. They lost to the Vikings? That's because the refs didn't give them 6 tiimeouts instead of 5. If it wasn't for the replacement, they would have won. How do I know? Who cares, I get paid to analyze football and you don't. :p

3. Falcons (3-0): Matt Ryan! Matt Ryan! Awesome Defense! Awesome Defense! They beat Peyton Manning! They beat Peyton Manning! Quality wins! Quality wins! They beat Peyton Manning! Their defense is the best! They beat Peyton Manning! Oh, and Matt Ryan is the best QB! Peyton Manning!

4. Texans (3-0): Matt Schaub! They beat Peyton Manning!... Okay I won't do that again. But still they have an awesome defense because that beat Peyton Manning. I don't care that they scored 25 points to almost 'win' the game, I don't care that Peyton is 1-2 with the Broncos, they beat Peyton Freaking Manning. Peyton Manning! Its the ultimate quality win.

5. Patriots (1-1): No, I'm not taking away a loss from the Raven's game, I'm taking away the Cardinal game because it never happened. Did you know the Cardinals played the Patriots? Neither did I; that's because it never happened. If the east coast media doesn't report it, it never happened. Yeah, the Pats had a week 2 bye that Sunday, isn't that what all their fans said?

Some things to consider. Luck may have been with us or was with us when Skelton went down late. Since he is healthy I can say that. If he had not gone down I say we lose that game easily. This led to Kolb coming into a game with a lot of confidence as he had nothing to lose. He won and that confidence has carried over.

We never did really have a handle on who Kevin Kolb really was. He had a horrible game where he ran mostly backwards which led us all to think he had lost his heart. Even other players from other teams were saying that. He was playing scared. Actually I do not think we had enough evidence to determine just who Kevin Kolb was. Even now I think in our hearts we still wonder who he is. He has been good enough to win three consectuive games with few mistakes but certainly has not been a Tom Brady in doing so. If he can continue his mistake free play for 4-5 more games I think we can conclude he is a NFL starter if not our QBOTF. It can go either way with Kevin. We are playing a marginal team at home this week and most experts are picking us for the first time this year to win.

It is really hard for a long time Cardinal fan to think we could win 11-12 games and win the division. We have been disappointed to many times. Down deep worry he will revert to the old Kevin or get hurt. Maybe we are as good as our record says we are? Could be?

We know this. Our defense is for real. They have proved it for 11 consecutive games. We know we probably have 4 potential all pros playing on defense. The defense will keep us in most games.

What we do not know is just how good is our offense. We have one all pro receiver and a lot of guys who are playing better than we thought they could. Lastly we have a QB who has played well enough to beat three good teams. The coming weeks will tell us who the real Kevin Kolb is. He apparently found his heart. Now how about all the rest of the stuff?
It would be especially hard for a Cardinal fan to revert to the old Cards after a great unbelievable 3-0 start. Take another giant step forward Kevin and play well enough to beat the Dolphins. Shock the experts and start putting the Cards in the news on a regular basis for all our piece of minds.

The football gods will play a part in all of this. We need our key players to stay healthy. We need the football to bounce our way more often than not. We need and deserve these things to happen. We have way to much invested emotionally in this year and it is only game 4.
 
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Some things to consider. Luck may have been with us or was with us when Skelton went down late. Since he is healthy I can say that. If he had not gone down I say we lose that game easily. This led to Kolb coming into a game with a lot of confidence as he had nothing to lose. He won and that confidence has carried over.

We never did really have a handle on who Kevin Kolb really was. He had a horrible game where he ran mostly backwards which led us all to think he had lost his heart. Even other players from other teams were saying that. He was playing scared. Actually I do not think we had enough evidence to determine just who Kevin Kolb was. Even now I think in our hearts we still wonder who he is. He has been good enough to win three consectuive games with few mistakes but certainly has not been a Tom Brady in doing so. If he can continue his mistake free play for 4-5 more games I think we can conclude he is a NFL starter if not our QBOTF. It can go either way with Kevin. We are playing a marginal team at home this week and most experts are picking us for the first time this year to win.

It is really hard for a long time Cardinal fan to think we could win 11-12 games and win the division. We have been disappointed to many times. Down deep worry he will revert to the old Kevin or get hurt. Maybe we are as good as our record says we are? Could be?

We know this. Our defense is for real. They have proved it for 11 consecutive games. We know we probably have 4 potential all pros playing on defense. The defense will keep us in most games.

What we do not know is just how good is our offense. We have one all pro receiver and a lot of guys who are playing better than we thought they could. Lastly we have a QB who has played well enough to beat three good teams. The coming weeks will tell us who the real Kevin Kolb is. He apparently found his heart. Now how about all the rest of the stuff?
It would be especially hard for a Cardinal fan to revert to the old Cards after a great unbelievable 3-0 start. Take another giant step forward Kevin and play well enough to beat the Dolphins. Shock the experts and start putting the Cards in the news on a regular basis for all our piece of minds.

The football gods will play a part in all of this. We need our key players to stay healthy. We need the football to bounce our way more often than not. We need and deserve these things to happen. We have way to much invested emotionally in this year and it is only game 4.

That's what it should say when talking heads explain the Cardinal's position in the power rankings. Excellent, unbiased analysis of the cards (except for the last paragraph) :)

Thanks for everyone who read it, I'm glad at least some of you laughed. Should I do another parody power poll next week?
 

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