shake-n-bake

Break up the Cardinals!

"Fed up with being doormats, the Arizona Cardinals had an offseason that forced all of us to take notice. Read on for a look at the moves that will surely bring them from the outhouse to the penthouse, immediately.

By Rich Wicker, 4/10/2003

The Arizona Cardinals have a well-known and unique history of never, ever being remotely successful.

Whether the franchise has been located in Chicago, St. Louis, or Phoenix, the Cards have been the only team in the NFL who could retain laughingstock status every single year for nearly a half-century.

Let's face it, even the Bengals have appeared in two Super Bowls.

Not even the strategic masterstroke of naming them the Arizona Cardinals, thus giving Arizona, and not just Phoenix, a team the whole state could call their own could produce a winner.

Why, just last season, I watched as Eagles' quarterback Donovan McNabb torched the Cards' defense to the tune of four touchdowns... on a broken ankle.

Perhaps it was the years of futility, losing, and lack of respect from other teams, who were delighted to see them on the schedule. (This Philly fan was sad to see them leave the NFC East, and two guaranteed wins with them.)

Maybe it was the fact that an NFL team couldn't sell out half a stadium in a college town in the middle of the desert, or it could have been Cardinals' owner Bill Bidwell being referred to as the "worst owner in professional sports" by several media professionals, including Pardon The Interruption's Mike Wilbon.

It was likely a combination of all these factors that spurred Cardinals' brass, and the aforementioned Mr. Bidwell, to say ENOUGH!

In a series of shrewd and aggressive off-season moves, the Cardinals have put together such a team, such a force that it begs the question: Should we just concede the Super Bowl to them?

Just how did the organization go about reversing its fortunes? Let's start at the beginning.

Before making any key additions, first there was the matter of getting rid of some dead weight.

Longtime starting quarterback Jake Plummer, who gave his heart and body up for the team, even leading a completely untalented club to a playoff appearance and victory, had to be let go.

Were they finally going to make good use of the extremely high draft pick that they annually have?

Not a chance.

The Cardinals threw us, and the entire National Football League, one big curveball.

Their choice to replace the poor man's Peyton Manning was none other than the feared two-headed quarterbacking monster of Josh McCown and Jeff Blake. (That faint sound you just heard was the collective gasping of fear-stricken defensive coordinators around the country.)

Since the quarterback situation had been not just solved but revolutionized, the question of who would catch these perfectly thrown passes had to be answered.

As far as a star receiver is concerned, some fat at the wideout position had to be trimmed as well. It was time to show David Boston the door.

Boston displayed just the kind of talent, size, youth, and star power that has no place in Sun Devil Stadium.

Consequently, the franchise decided not to re-sign him, instead hitching their wagon to such relatively unknown future stars at the position such as Nate Poole, Bryan Gilmore, Kevin Kasper, Jason McAddley, and Jake Soliday. Well played, Bidwell, well played.

With all of the money saved on letting two proven stars leave town, it was time for the Cardinals to raid the free agent market.

First they wooed Jeff Blake, who hopes to wash off the "once a Bengal, always a Bengal" stain from his career.

Then it was time to add some moxie to the other side of the ball. Done.

Enter Dexter Jackson, the Super Bowl MVP who I like to refer to as "Larry Brown '03."

Jackson was awarded the MVP for getting more of Rich Gannon's three dozen interceptions than his other Tampa Bay teammates.

Exhibiting no actual skill aside from not dropping passes thrown right to him, L.B. '03, just like his namesake, cashed in big before anyone realized his lack of talent.

Jackson's presence alone should turn a poor Arizona secondary into a well-below-average one.

Just when all of pro football was reeling from the Cardinals' swift improvements, they had one last big score up their sleeves.

They fought tooth-and-nail with, umm... no other teams, and acquired running back Emmitt Smith.

The 33-year-old "10-10-220" spokesman and close friend of ALF apparently was quite the football star in the 1990s.

I looked into it further, and discovered that Smith is the NFL's all-time leading rusher. How 'bout that?

More recently, Smith has been known for sharing time with Troy Hambrick and being cut from the non-contending Dallas Cowboys, with whom he had spent his entire career.

Many athletes would take such hints as a cue to retire, but not Emmitt.

"This was definitely a football decision," said Smith of joining the Cardinals.

Apparently he wanted to make sure we all knew that this was indeed not a baseball or hockey decision.

Some wondered why a player like Smith, with a history of being a winner, would choose to wind his career down in Arizona.

Perhaps he took notice of the plucky Cardinals during a thrilling 9-6 victory over his Cowboys last season. He clearly saw a team that was one or twelve players away from really contending.

Well, take notice NFC. The Arizona Cardinals have in one off-season built a team to reckon with.

A team that was able to procure the services of a fluke MVP and an ex-Bengal quarterback.

A team that Emmitt Smith chose because of their potential, not because they were the only ones to pursue him.

A team that will undoubtedly be terrorizing opposing players and coaches in a city near you.

I guess I'll be okay with the dynasty as long as I get a new batch of long-distance ads featuring Emmitt Smith, Mike Piazza, the woman from "Saturday Night Live" who has aged horribly, Terry Bradshaw, Doug Flutie, ALF, and God willing, Ken Caminiti."

Krangthebrain

Admins: Move this thread to the Bird droppings.

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“Somewhere a True Believer is training to kill you. He is training with minimum food or water, in austere conditions, day and night. The only thing clean on him is his weapon. He doesn’t worry about what workout to do—his rucksack weighs what it weighs, and he runs until the enemy stops chasing him. The True Believer doesn’t care ‘how hard it is’; he knows he either wins or he dies. He doesn’t go home at 1700; he is home. He knows only the ‘Cause.’ Now, who wants to quit?”

NCOIC of the Special Forces Assessment and Selection Course in a welcome speech to new SF candidates

On life after football: "I wouldn't mind being a sports commentator. Having my own segment, working for ESPN, my own talk show. Part time trainer. Part time car mechanic. Part time Sprint cell phone salesman. Part time car washman. Grocery store baggage man. Football coach. Model. Actress. Stripper. And I even have dreams of being the next crocodile hunter." - Darnell Dockett

azdad1978

Who ever wrote that is an ass

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Pariah

Until it's proven different, the Cardinals have earned that kind of sarcasm--in fact, it's the only thing they've earned.

kerouac9

This article was hilarious. Pariah's right: this is what the Cards have earned this season (at least until April, or whenever this article ran). This is basically what a lot of people on this board were saying four months ago, distilled for extra venom.

Use it as motivation, Cards.

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Ben Muth: Watching th Cardinals this year has been like watching a sports movie in rewind.

Thanks, DesertDawg

SECTION 11

Meanwhile, back in the City of Brotherly Love (eeewwww), Joe Banner lets Douglass, Trotter, Mitchell, Barber, D. Douglas, and Landetta walk, your RB holds out, your CB almost holds out, your rookie holds out, yet you're blessed with 'cap space.'

It looks a lot like the Cardinals to tell you the truth. They're frighteningly similar in the way the front office runs things. When you stop laughing, look into it.

Are the Phoenix Coyotes the only franchise in the history of sports to move into a new facility and actually CUT payroll?
Nope. Look no further than the Linc and the banner job Banner has done with a team 60 minutes removed from the SB.

The window of opportunity is closed. Thanks for playing. Move aside.

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Run like an antelope,
Roll like a cantaloupe.

arthurracoon

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Signed,

arthurpostpadder

Renz

Man, the author of that article is a jackass! I can't even begin to figure out where to start responding so I'll just skip it.

The worst part about idiots like that is that when they are proven wrong, they are nowhere to be found.

To jerks like him who rip the Cards I have just one thing to say, "Come out to practice and watch the team for awhile before you make such an ass of yourself". Or just post this in the smack talk forum where it belongs.

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shake-n-bake

atleast the window was open at one time !

CT Card Fan

I mean, try saying the author's name.

And Bidwill is of course misspelled.

Even if you can make the argument that we deserve this kind of sarcasm, I find it unlikely that any legitimate media would print this.

This looks more like what that so-called rival website that's starting up would try to print.

SECTION 11

I love a well researched article.
They left out the part about Boston's 32 receptions to Plummer's 30 turnovers. Sure gonna miss that steaming pile of productivity. WE'RE DOOMED!!!

__________________
Run like an antelope,
Roll like a cantaloupe.

SECTION 11

I glad you agree with me.

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Run like an antelope,
Roll like a cantaloupe.

FischerKing

Amen!!!

Oh wait, because I said "Amen" is this going to be moved to the Politics and Religion thread now?

Shawn

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"Arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics... Even if
you win, you are still retarded..."

"I can't trust a woman who would marry me." ~ AzCards21

"I don't care what you believe, keep your religion out of my peanut butter!" ~ Assface

kerouac9

And since when is Jake the "Poor man's Peyton Manning"? For some reason, I thought that would be the Redskins' QB.

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Ben Muth: Watching th Cardinals this year has been like watching a sports movie in rewind.

Thanks, DesertDawg

Duckjake

The worst part about idiots like that is that when they are proven wrong, they are nowhere to be found.

But they are almost never proven wrong by the Cardinals! I don't understand how people can get upset when writers bash a team that has lost 43 games in the past 4 seasons, have only 2 of their first round draft picks left on the team who have played more than one full season in the NFL and don't have a single skill position player with more than 1 season as a starter for the Cardinals offense. That has to really paint a positive picture for the media.

Cardinal fans are just going to have to get used to our team being the subject of most of the NFL jokes because the other teams with similarly pitiful records recently hired celebrity coaches. It's made us an easy target. Most of the stuff is pretty funny, like Tony Bruno's comment that the "Wailing Wall" is where Cardinal season ticket holders line up to enter Sun Devil Stadium.

A lot of people need to lighten up and realize that these comments are just going to make it that much sweeter when our diaper defense grows up and starts kicking the pants off people over the next few years.