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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they migh t be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell < BR>happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcoho l may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love the m.
~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toso me! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buff alo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said, "Nelson"!
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie", he continued, and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days , every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light, and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "ASSHOLES"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! -
The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even
serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least
triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the
cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying
again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the
tips.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win
situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a
liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
myself?
*OLD VERSION*: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
************************************************** **********
*MODERN VERSION:* The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that! in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his poll standings. Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, Katrina, wiretapping and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it." Bush showed up for the sermon and the Bishop began:
"I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President. George Bush is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people. He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth. He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country, and a greater gap between rich and poor, than we've had since the Depression. He instituted illegal wiretaps when getting a warrant from a secret court would have been a mere administrative detail, had his henchmen lie to Congress about it, then claimed he is above the law. He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome. The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion, gas prices are up 85%, and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from some religious fanatics.
He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known.
"But compared to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, George W. Bush is a saint."
Last edited by KloD; April 20th, 2007 at 10:33 AM.
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side
service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be
held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first
to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I
became lost; and being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I
Finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped
to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I
assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the
proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart
and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord,"
and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before:
from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a
prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and
I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."
A chinese man walks into his doctor's office and tells his doctor that he is having problem seeing. His doctor looks him over and tells him that he has a cataract. The chinese man says "No. I rive a rincon"
__________________
The greatest lies are told before a marriage, after a hunt and during an election - Count Bismark
> One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy
> nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want"
>
> So he tied her up and went golfing.
>
> **************************************************
>
> A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
> house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack
> your bags. I won the lottery!"
>
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
> stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>
> **************************************************
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other
> is a husband.
>
> **************************************************
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
> card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> **************************************************
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
>
> "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
>
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
>
> **************************************************
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
> You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
> more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
> STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
> cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the salt.
> USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
> don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>
> The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when
> I'm driving."
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