The new and improved joke of the day thread

[40yearfan]

This one is for PCF


After numerous rounds of "We don't know if
>>> Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send
>>> George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to
>>> let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened
>>> the letter which appeared to contain a single line
>>> of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
>>>
>>> Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Mr.
>>> Rove. Rove and his aides had no clue either, so they
>>> sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the
>>> FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no
>>> clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine
>>> Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds
>>> the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell BUSH
>>> he's holding the message upside down."

[UncleChris]

Originally Posted by 40yearfan

This one is for PCF


After numerous rounds of "We don't know if
>>> Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send
>>> George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to
>>> let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened
>>> the letter which appeared to contain a single line
>>> of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H.
>>>
>>> Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Mr.
>>> Rove. Rove and his aides had no clue either, so they
>>> sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the
>>> FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no
>>> clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine
>>> Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds
>>> the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell BUSH
>>> he's holding the message upside down."

... I damned near peed myself....

[PortlandCardFan]

With the nickname 'jarhead' how intelligent can we be? That is why we have NIS (Naval Investigation Service) do it for us!!

That one is pretty funny!

[40yearfan]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS



Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
.................................................. ........

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
.................................................. .........

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl".

Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
.................................................. ..........

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
.................................................. ..........

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
.................................................. ..........

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

.................................................. .........

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
.................................................. ..........

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
.................................................. ..........


Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
.................................................. ..........

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
.................................................. .........

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
.................................................. ..........

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
.................................................. .........

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
.................................................. ..........

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:

"Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin')

[40yearfan]

>A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
>beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
>
> A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
>she volunteered.
>
> The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
>become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
>
> "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
>rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
>it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
>
> "That must've been scary", said the teacher.
>
> "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
>Fffff'... and before he could say "Fu**," the rottweiler ate him!"

[40yearfan]

>Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office
>wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United
>States when his telephone rang.
>
>"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down
>here at the Harp Pub in County Kerry, Ireland. I am ringing to inform
>you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
>
>"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
>your army?"
>
>"Right now," said Paddy, "after a moment's calculation there is meself, me
>cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from
>the pub. That makes eight of us!"
>
>Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand
>men in my army waiting to move on m y command."
>
>"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back"
>
>Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, 'tis meself
>again. The war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry
>equipment!"
>
>"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.
>
>"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
>
>Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
>5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one
>hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
>
>"The Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
>
>Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
>on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Dan
>O'Brien's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four>boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
>
>Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
>you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
>complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
>since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
>
>"Jaysus, Mary, and Holy Saint Joseph!," said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you
>back."
>
>Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin' to ya,
>Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the auld
>war."
>
>"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
>
>"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints and
>decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand
>prisoners-of-war."

[AzCards21]

Originally Posted by 40yearfan

>A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
>beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
>
> A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
>she volunteered.
>
> The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
>become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
>
> "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
>rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
>it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
>
> "That must've been scary", said the teacher.
>
> "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
>Fffff'... and before he could say "Fu**," the rottweiler ate him!"

OMG! My sides hurt!

[arthurracoon]

[40yearfan]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

[40yearfan]

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.


However, you may well NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry ; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.

That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things.

[40yearfan]

Texas Preacher

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."
So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said...........



" Hello Darling "

[40yearfan]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
>
>
>A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
>fly swatter.
>
>"What are you doing?" She asked.
>
>"Hunting Flies" He responded.
>
>"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
>
>"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
>
>
>Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
>
>He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[SirStefan32]

Originally Posted by 40yearfan

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

[40yearfan]

Who is Jack Schitt?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
"You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[40yearfan]

>TRADE IN OR TUNE UP?!
>
>
>IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
>
>If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
>trading it in for a newer model.
>
>I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint
>job is
>getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
>
>My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
>things
>up close.
>
>My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
>
>I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best
of
>weather.
>
>My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
>
>It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
>
>My fuel burns inefficiently.
>
>But here's the worst of it --
>
>Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator
>leaks or my exhaust backfires!