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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. I've
been divorced three times."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Jack said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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David was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, David," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath David said, "I do!"
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1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no placeto sit down!". So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
We've all seen the faces of those ravaged by the floods of Sri Lanka and
New Orleans.
This award-winning photograph of the recent flood waters rising in Ireland
captures the horror and suffering there. Please keep these people in your thoughts and prayers.
__________________
In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens, you can bet it was planned that way.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." --Voltaire
Last edited by wallyburger; August 23rd, 2007 at 10:25 AM.
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And Finally;
An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor asked them why would they choose to do this after nine children.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic
athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an
astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted
to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be
telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to
be president because she can't do anything else." --Jay Leno
"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president
in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants
to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed." --Jay Leno
"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running
for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while
others hate it." --Conan O'Brien
"In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President
Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan . Probably for the same
reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk." --Jay Leno
"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is
elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton
-- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank."
--Jay Leno
"Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign?
Know what sign? 'For Sale .'" -Jay Leno
"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on
eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but
still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at
least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." -Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all
ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton 's former business
partners can vote for her in 2008." --Jay Leno
"While in Latin America, Bush visited the ancient Mayan ruins. He then invited their officials to come visit our ruins -- the Walter Reed Medical Center." --Jay Leno
"Outrage today from many Americans, especially the gay ones, over comments made by General Peter Pace, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He said he believes homosexuality is immoral. The general went on to say that allowing immorality in the armed forces could distract our troops from killing." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it's okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That's when you know the Republicans are in trouble -- when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton." --Jay Leno
"You see all those people protesting while President Bush was in South America? Bush hasn't heard that many people shouting 'Gringo go home' since his last trip to L.A." --Jay Leno
"Thirty towns in Vermont have voted to impeach President Bush, but Bush says he doesn't care what a bunch of Canadians think." --Jay Leno
"Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel -- he's a Republican -- called a press conference to announce he'll be making a decision about running for president sometime later in the year. So, he called a press conference to say maybe later in the year he's going to say something important. This is the kind of bold, decisive leadership this country needs." --Jay Leno
"People are saying Scooter Libby is taking the fall for Cheney. Personally, I think Libby got off easy -- usually when you take one for Cheney, it's a shot in the face" --Jay Leno
"Beautiful, beautiful day in New York City. ... It was so nice that Ann Coulter was insulting gays in the park." --David Letterman
"After visiting Guatemala, Bush flew to Mexico. There was an awkward moment when Bush greeted the Mexicans by saying, 'Hello future Californians.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements -- or, as the White House calls it, a press conference." --Bill Maher
"The president is ... on a five-nation tour of Latin America. A lot of people are saying while he's below the border, what a great time to build that wall." --Bill Maher
"To give you an idea of how popular Bush is not ... in South America, he's going to visit on Monday the sacred Mayan ruins, and after he leaves the Mayan priests are going to perform a purification ceremony ... to get rid of the bad spirits. ... And if it works there, they're going to try it in Iraq, New Orleans, Guantanamo Bay, Ground Zero and the atmosphere of the planet Earth." --Bill Maher
"While he was there, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian press and he said the most difficult decision a president could ever make is sending troops into harm's way. But enough about Walter Reed." --Bill Maher
"Obviously, this has come at a bad time for the White House. Usually, you want the conviction of a high-ranking official and the veterans-sleeping-in-moldy-rat-holes stories on different days." --Jon Stewart
A couple go to an attorney, and tell him they want a divorce. The husband is 96 years old, and the wife is 95. The lawyer says, "but you are old, you really want to get a divorce after being together this long?"
And the wife says, "we just wanted to wait until the kids were dead."
"Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements -- or, as the White House calls it, a press conference." --Bill Maher
__________________
Here's to the Army and Navy and the battles they have won; here's to America's colors, the colors that never run. May the wings of liberty never lose a feather. ....
1. "Phoenix" actually consists of Scottsdale, Chandler, Tempe, Mesa,
Gilbert, Glendale, and half of the Mexican border.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is
from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101,
Your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is
considered "Wussy".
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own
version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest
muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.
However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have
the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's an offense that can get
you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved
around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to
make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, dogs,
barrels, cones, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, rabbits,
vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding
on any of these items.
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road.
SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same
street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same
street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans
Memorial Highway. The SR 51 has recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway
because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy to pronounce. SR 101 is also the
Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The
Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but,
Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a
mountain.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated."
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone,
you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
If you return the flip, you'll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President George Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Bush and Cheney would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Bush commented to Cheney, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Cheney couldn't help but agree.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Bush's hand in his right hand and Cheney's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally President Bush spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Bush.
"Amen" said Cheney.
The old priest continued...
"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."
"Today is the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. When asked about it, President Bush said, 'See, and people said it would never last.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher
"The White House keeps changing its story about who fired these U.S. attorneys. First it was the Justice Department, then it was Harriet Miers ... and the new e-mails released yesterday suggest it's Karl Rove's idea. ... Of course the problem with e-mails is you think you've erased them and then they're still there. Which is why President Bush writes all his memos on an Etch-E-Sketch." --Bill Maher
"The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno
"Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler
"Is America ready for a black president? Why not, we just had a retarded one! -- Chris Rock
"Alberto Gonzales has gotten into trouble for firing eight U.S. attorneys for what appears to be political reasons. President Bush said today he still has confidence in Gonzales -- the same confidence he had in Rumsfeld, Scooter Libby, and Michael Brown of FEMA." --Jay Leno
"The head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Peter Pace, now says he regrets what he said about gays in the military. He's now blaming it on his two head speechwriters Tim Hardaway and Isaiah Washington." --Jay Leno
"The California legislature announced that they have moved their state's presidential primary from June to February. When asked why, a California lawmaker said, 'Because it's really fun to hear Governor Schwarzenegger try to say 'February.'" --Conan O'Brien
"People are really angry about ... a web site that encourages people to vote for the worst singer. I mean, this is not a joke. We're voting for the next 'American Idol' here. This is not some kind of game. ... I know it was funny when we reelected President Bush, but this is serious." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The administration is still taking a lot of heat for firing eight U.S. attorneys. That shows you how unpopular this administration is -- when the people are siding with the lawyers." --Jay Leno
"People in Washington are now calling for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to resign. To give you an idea of how much trouble he is in, the White House is now thinking of replacing him with Scooter Libby." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is safely back from his tour of Latin America. He said it really opened up his eyes. He said, 'We thought we had a lot of illegal immigrants here, they're all over the place down there.'" --Jay Leno
"March Madness NCAA Basketball. ... Here's how it works: You start with 65, then that goes down to 64, then it's 32, and then it's 16 ... no, that's presidential candidates." --David Letterman
"If you want to get rid of an attorney, you don't use Gonzales, you bring in Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno
