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Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be ' North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts. Ole is very surprised.
He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."
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Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of
them was attacked by a killer Rottweiler. The dog had
already locked his jaws on the boy's legs.
Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of
a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and
twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed
the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The
reporter began entering data into his laptop,
beginning with the headline, 'Brave Boston Red Sox Fan
Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.'
"But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero
interjected. "Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since
we're in Boston, I just assumed you were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again, "John
Kerry Fan Rescues Friend >From Horrific Dog Attack"
"But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy
responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in
this state was either for the Red Sox, John Kerry, or
Ted Kennedy . What team or person do you like?''.
"I'm a New York Yankee fan, and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:
"Arrogant Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
>> > A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by
>> > two female teachers, went on a field trip to the
>> > local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about
>> > thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry
>> > (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
>> >
>> > When it was time to take the children to the
>> > bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with
>> > one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
>> > The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting
>> > outside the men's room when one of the boys came
>> > out and told her that none of them could reach the
>> > urinal.
>> >
>> > Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
>> > with
>>their pants, and began hoisting the little bo ys
>> > up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to
>> > direct
>> > the flow.
>> >
>> > As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice
>> > that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to
>> > show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You
>> > must be in the
>> > 4th grade."
>> >
>> > "No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding
>> > Silver Arrow in the seventh
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation. If they
a. are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.
b. are recounting them, put them in auditing.
c. have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
d. are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
e. are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
f. are sleeping, put them in security.
g. have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
h. are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
i. say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
j. have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
k. are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.
l. are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation. If they
a. are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.
b. are recounting them, put them in auditing.
c. have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
d. are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
e. are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
f. are sleeping, put them in security.
g. have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
h. are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
i. say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
j. have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
k. are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.
l. are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
A Neocon, a Theocon and a CEOcon walk into a bar
by corwin
Wed Feb 28, 2007 at 04:45:49 AM PST
The place is packed, but they manage to find three seats together at the bar. The proprietor and manager is behind the bar taking orders and serving drinks. He looks somewhat stuffy, but nice enough with a big broad smile, and wearing a plaid sweater vest about 20 years out of style. Waiters and waitresses are out among all the tables and in general, everybody looks happy and carefree.
The CEOcon says to the owner, "Sir, this place is really great, I think I'd like to buy it from you." The owner is flattered that his neighborhood bar would attract the attention of such a big shot, so he tells the CEOcon what he thinks a fair price would be. The CEOcon looks absolutely indignant at the amount. "Sir, that is highway robbery, I will give you not more than one fourth of your asking price." The owner smiles back and says "I'm sorry, but this bar is supposed to pay for my retirement in a few years. I just cannot sell it for less than I asked. But please enjoy your drinks."
A few minutes later, the theocon starts a conversation with the owner. "Sir, how is it you allow such depravity in your bar? Why, I have absolutely no doubt when they leave here, they will return to their homes and have sex with any partner available. There will even be gay sex." The owner looks around the bar, shrugs and says "That may be, but what they do on their own after they leave here is really no concern of mine. As long as they pay their bills, I'm not going to pry into their personal lives. But, please enjoy your drinks."
The owner then looks at the neocon expectantly, but the neocon just orders half a dozen shots of tequila. The owner is somewhat puzzled, but brings out six shot glasses and a bottle. The neocon says to just leave the bottle, so the owner goes back to serving other customers.
Just then, the owner looks up to see absolute pandemonium as the bar is on fire. The neocon had put napkins in the shots, lit them up and started throwing them indiscriminately around the bar, barely missing several of the patrons. Soon the place is evacuated, the fires put out, but the bar has suffered severe damage and many of the regular patrons say they will never come back if that is how he is going to run things from now on. The owner asks the neocon why he did it. "Well sir, my friend the CEOcon wanted your bar, but you wouldn't sell it to him for what he was willing to pay. Now the bar is only worth what he was willing to pay, so you really have no choice, so my friend the CEOcon is happy." The neocon continued "My friend, the theocon, was upset about the moral degradation exhibited in this bar. They have all left and are unlikely to return, so my friend the theocon is happy. And me, I just enjoy blowing things up and wreaking havoc, so I'm happy, too."
"But what about me" said the owner, "you destroyed my bar, hurt my friends, and my retirement is now shot." "You" said the neocon "Well, you're just totally screwed."
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I
did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd
come and pick me up from school."
A sixth grader returns home from school one day. His mother notices his big smile and asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to have a talk with your father when he gets home," she shouts.
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been wanting."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
Linear Mode
