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I thought this was the new and IMPROVED joke of the day......
BTW - that joke was first told during the Clinton era, when it made a little more sense, since Clinton went to Arkansas. The piglets were for Hillary and Chelsea......
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I thought this was the new and IMPROVED joke of the day......
BTW - that joke was first told during the Clinton era, when it made a little more sense, since Clinton went to Arkansas. The piglets were for Hillary and Chelsea......
This makes more though. Why would you want to trade Chelsea for a pig. She's a nice kid.
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something. The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
Why We Love Children !
> >
> > 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
> > evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
> > She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
> > 5-year-old
> > shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
> >
> > 2) OPINIONS & gt; > On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
> > teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by
> > this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
> >
> > 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
> > During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
> > to
> > answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
> > now.
> > She's hitting the bottle."
> >
> > 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
> > women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
> > with
> > ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
> > amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
> > little boy before?"
> >
> > 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
> > school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up
> > and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and
> > continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I
> > should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
> > "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you
> > please tie my shoe?"
> >
> > 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
> > front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake,
> > was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you
> > got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy
> > looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What
> > 'd he do?"
> >
> > 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
> > elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
> > rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
> > age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
> > staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
> > for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
> > "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
> >
> > 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
> > When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you
> > shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it
> > always gives you a headache the next morning. "
> >
> > 9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
> > "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I
> > can't write and they won't let me talk!"
> >
> > 10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as
> > he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
> > Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
> > leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I
> > found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With
> > astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's
> > underwear."
> I truly love this story and it will surely bring a tear to your eye! I
> know it did mine.
>
>
> In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
> Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
> young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
>
>
>
> The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very
> carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and
> found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as
> gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife,
> after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned
> to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him
> for several tense moments.
>
>
>
> Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
> Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
>
>
>
> Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
>
>
>
> Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
> teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
> creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
> were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front
> foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several
> times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
>
>
>
> Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
> this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over
> the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
> the elephant and stared back in wonder.
>
>
>
> The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
> legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
>
>
>
> Probably wasn't the same elephant
BAGHDAD—Extremist board-trick crew Al-J'Aqasse, the Middle East's most prominent Islamic radical snowboard posse, is taking full props for destroying the American embassy when a member nailed a goofyfoot 720 nosehook from a security-barrier railgrind into its offices while carrying 25 kilos of C4 plastic explosives, Thrashzeera magazine reported Tuesday.
Quote:
One of Al-J'Aqasse most radical, gnarliest members.
"In the name of Allah the Merciful, this rad sh** is off the hook, yo! Death to the great Satan!" Al-J'Aqasse members shouted in a videotaped, System Of A Down–soundtracked statement posted on the magazine's website, which is denouncing the bombing as "totally sick and twizted."
"Satan! Satan! Satan! Al-J'Aqasse blowing up across the M-E!" one member added.
American security is not certain how Al-J'Aqasse was allowed to build their custom snowpipe-ramp setup across the street from the embassy, but banners and promotional materials scattered across the blast zone point to the involvement of radical, extreme-sports-beverage bottler Sunni Delight.
__________________
We all need more Izzard in our life. - Gaddabout
I'll try to be more observant from now on. - dogpoo32
>A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
>and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there
>was no afterlife.
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>After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true
>to his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie."
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>"Is that you, Joe?"
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>"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
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>"What's it like?"
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>"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast,
>off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have
>sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex
>pretty
>much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then I have sex
>until late
>at night. The next day it starts again."
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>"Oh, Joe, you surely must be in heaven."
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>"Not exactly. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.
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