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WASHINGTON, DC—The Mysterious Congressman, whose flamboyant oratory and swashbuckling condemnations of greed and cynicism in modern politics have electrified Washington, announced Monday that he was considering a White House run in 2008.
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The dashing figure on the steps of the very Capitol Building.
"Noble citizens, hear me now!" said the enigmatic, masked Congressman (D–WI) from the dome of the nation's Capitol Monday, his long cape cutting a dramatic silhouette against the rising moon as he addressed a crowd of mostly lawmakers and congressional staff. "Too long has a craven dullard and his moneyed masters made a mockery of our beloved and sacred Union. No more! For today I have of two dozen advisers good and true an advisory committee formed, which, along with my budget-restructuring plan and my program for funding education separately from property taxes, shall aid my bid to capture the very presidency!"
The Mysterious Congressman then made a seemingly death-defying leap from the dome and disappeared into the darkness to the fading sound of hoofbeats. Capitol police at the scene said he left only his trademark rose of red, white, and blue petals and a stack of "Mysterious Congressman For President" campaign flyers.
"His cry for freedom, glory, and responsible government was ringing in our very hearts," congressional aide Melanie Kissler said. "For a moment, at least, I felt like so much more than a simple, oppressed Capitol intern living in desperate times. For a moment, I felt hope."
The Mysterious Congressman has earned a distinctive reputation during his two terms in office, both for his promotion of responsible fiscal policy and civil rights issues, and for such unorthodox tactics as entering the Senate chambers by swinging on the chandeliers, and engaging in flashy, extended fencing matches with sinister congressmen found guilty of financial or professional misconduct. He is currently the only senator who casts votes via flaming arrow.
Yet the rakish lawmaker has proven himself not only daring but remarkably clever, as demonstrated by his talent for blocking Republican legislation with lengthy but seemingly effortless filibusters composed of witty, rhymed couplets.
The Mysterious Congressman is also famous for personally refusing sacks of special interest money, with the single exception of a 2004 incident, in which he accepted a hefty contribution from a defense-industry lobbyist, then scattered the money across a homeless encampment near his Senate office, to the speechless astonishment of the lobbyist.
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His trusty steed flies like the wind through a congressional corridor.
Although the Congressman has only recently made his presidential aspirations public, various unnamed sources say his fund-raising began shortly before the new year. Potential financial backers allegedly found themselves whisked from their beds, blindfolded, transported in coaches through the dark streets of Washington, and then taken to a secret but well-appointed retreat, where the Congressman himself plied them with wine, rare victuals, and alluring promises of centrist policy shifts.
"It was a jolly evening of claret, quadrilles, and the most delicious banter this side of the Atlantic, yet I must confess I do not remember the night's conclusion, save that the next morning I awoke once more in my own bed," billionaire investor and philanthropist George Soros said. "I might have deemed it a most curious dream, but for the red velvet three-ring binder of position papers lying atop my bedclothes, and a discernable leavening of my coin satchel."
Federal Election Commission sources said the Mysterious Congressman's campaign bookkeeping appears to be legitimate and within guidelines, except for the fact that all his fees and surcharges have been paid in chests of Sacajawea coins.
Still, his political foes, most notably former Massachusetts Governor and fellow presidential candidate Mitt Romney, claim that the Congressman gives off "an odor most foul."
"Why must the Mysterious Congressman, damn the scoundrel, campaign under the cover of darkness, if he be so virtuous?" Romney said. "Where be his plan for Iraq? And why, moreover, has he not shown his true face? For my part, I think him no more than a common highwayman, or some salacious kissing bandit with delusions of grandeur."
In December, Romney became a laughingstock throughout the land when he, Karl Rove, and Rudy Giuliani were found bound together with bullwhips and suspended upside-down from an Alexandria, VA lamppost after their attempted ambush of the Congressman went awry.
Despite his secretive nature, the Mysterious Congressman has managed to excite some old-guard Democratic Party members about his presidential run.
"I would bank on the Mysterious Congressman to be a top contender up through the primaries," strategist Madeline D'Orczy said. "He's a fighter with a deft touch—remember that during his wiretapping debate with [Republican Senator] Sam Brownback on Meet The Press, he carved his objections on Brownback's posterior without spilling a drop of his blood. Voters respect that."
"Certainly there will be questions about his past," liberal blogger Alex Dumah said. "After all, he is a mysterious caped-and-masked figure, and it's well-known that mysterious caped-and-masked figures have shocking double identities that could undo them were they revealed. Still, the people of Wisconsin have seen fit to elect him over significant challengers twice now, so I don't believe his dashing, elusive image will harm him in the end."
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__________________
We all need more Izzard in our life. - Gaddabout
I'll try to be more observant from now on. - dogpoo32
Location: on the run from johnny law... ain't no trip to cleveland
Posts: 9,352
A$FN: 1,000
steve martin's take on the "72 virgins." from the new yorker:
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SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS
by STEVE MARTIN
Issue of 2007-01-29
Posted 2007-01-22
Virgin No. 1: Yuck.
Virgin No. 2: Ick.
Virgin No. 3: Ew.
Virgin No. 4: Ow.
Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!
Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.
Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!
Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?
Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?
Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . .
Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.
Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!
Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?
Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?
Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny.
Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what?
Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Jesus.
Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.
Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair!
Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.
Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?
Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?
Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”?
Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!
Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?
Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?
Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead.
Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.
Virgin No. 30: You are in?
Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.
Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.
Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?
Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot.
Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.”
Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.
Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.
Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.
Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.
Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?
Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again.
Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?
Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom.
Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.
Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.
Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours.
Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.
Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino.
Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late.
Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one.
Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”?
Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry.
Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.
Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.
Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.
Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?
Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me.
Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.
Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving?
Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex.
Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.
Virgin No. 62: Was that it?
Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.
Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.
Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?
Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.
Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?
Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?
Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.
Virgin No. 70: My name is Mother Teresa.
Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.
Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the
Helicopter in front of the White House, he was
Carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention,
Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs. These
are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for
Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of
The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention,
Salutes, and says,
dreamcastrocks--My Hero!!
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