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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hangout with ! God."
St.Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me,but aren't you the inventor of women?"
God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
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Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman Cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" said the first woman.
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a ****?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr
old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on
his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place......smack his ass again!"
>> >There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
>>>process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter
>>>came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
>>>He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
>>>
>>>The letter read:
>>>
>>>"Dear God,
>>>I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
>>>someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
>>>until my next pension check.
>>>
>>>Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
>>>dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
>>>family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
>>>
>>>Can you please help me?
>>>
>>>Sincerely,
>>>Edna
>>>
>>>The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
>>>workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
>>>dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
>>>they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,
>>>all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she
>>>would be able to share with her friends.
>>>
>>>Christmas came and went.
>>>
>>>A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
>>>
>>>All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
>>>
>>>
>>>It read:
>>>
>>>"Dear God,
>>>
>>>How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
>>>gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had
>>>a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
>>>
>>>By the way, there was $4 missing.
>>>
>>>I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such Perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Seniors
> >
> >
> > They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very embarrassing
> >
> > There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
> >
> > I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....
> >
> > The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
> >
> > "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
> >
> >
> > The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
> >
> > "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
> >
> > The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
> >
> > The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
> >
> > The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
> >
> > The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?
> >
> > "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
> >
> > The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
> >
> > "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?
> >
> > "I can't piss out of it," he replied.
> >
> > The waiting room erupted in laughter.
> >
> > Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31 creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
What, you ask, is "Butt Dust"? Read on and you'll discover the joy in a
child's sincere originality. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter, who was listening, leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out.
A refund was then due.
The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.
Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets.
Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders who had purchased the most expensive tickets. This, according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair.
A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:
People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with.
Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.
People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair." People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.
People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do."
People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets.
They need the most help. Sometimes this is known as Affirmative Action.
Now do you understand?
If not, contact Representative Nancy Pelosi, Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator John Kerry or Senator Hillary Clinton for assistance.
