The new and improved joke of the day thread

[40yearfan]

I'm over 64 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 35 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.



For starters:


Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.



Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"


An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)


An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.



Old guys always get up early to pee.



If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.



We like them almost better than naps.




They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er . one."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.



Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

[Mulli]

40 saying he is "older than 64" is like me saying I am "older than 2"

[40yearfan]

When I get older losing my hair,
Many years from now.
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings bottle of wine.

If I'd been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four.

You'll be older too,
And if you say the word,
I could stay with you.

I could be handy, mending a fuse
When your lights have gone.
You can knit a sweater by the fireside
Sunday mornings go for a ride,

Doing the garden, digging the weeds,
Who could ask for more.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four.

Every summer we can rent a cottage,
In the Isle of Wight, if it's not too dear
We shall scrimp and save
Grandchildren on your knee
Vera ,Chuck & Dave

Send me a postcard, drop me a line,
Stating point of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours sincerely, wasting away

Give me your answer, fill in a form
Mine for evermore
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four.

Ah yes. The Beatles. I used to sing this to my wife. Guess I'll have to up the age a little.

[40yearfan]

Do all fairy tales began with "Once upon a time"?

No.

A lot of fairy tales began with "If I'm elected, I promise--".

[Derm]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes. and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?”
He ignored me and continued writing the ticked. I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called
him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that
he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[Divide Et Impera]

>> > >This will warm your heart, especially if you have
>> > lost faith in human kindness.
>> > >
>> > >This letter was sent to the principals' office
>> > after an elementary school
>> > >had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old
>> > lady had received a new
>> > >radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was
>> > writing to say thank you.
>> > >
>> > >This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward
>> > to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
>> > >
>> > >Dear Faculty and Students,
>> > >
>> > >God bless you for the beautiful radio I won
>> > at your recent senior citizens'
>> > >luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an
>> > Assisted Home for the Aged.
>> > >All of my family has passed away. I am all alone
>> > now and it's nice to know
>> > >someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your
>> > kindness to an old forgotten lady.
>> > >My roommate is 95 and always had her own
>> > radio. Before I received this
>> > >one, she would never let me listen to hers, even
>> > when she was napping. The
>> > >other day, her radio fell off the night stand and
>> > broke into a lot of
>> > >little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
>> > She asked if she could
>> > >listen to mine, and I said **** you. Thank you
>> > for that opportunity.
>> > >
>> > >Sincerely,
>> > >
>> > >Agnes Jenkins

[AZZenny]

"Speaker of the House Elect Nancy Pelosi announced that the Democrats
will change the country's emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it
more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while
you're actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate
than that."

[40yearfan]

Bride for the Fourth Time

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,

"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk?

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

[40yearfan]

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. The boy never understood why it was there, but like it or not, he was stuck with it. All the years of growing up were real tough on him, because all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.



One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.



After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw will have been removed.



The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple haze floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just a few moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and then disappeared out of the window.



The next morning when the boy awoke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and found that there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.




The moral to this is:




Don't screw around with things you don't understand - you could lose your ass.

[AZZenny]

Some of these are old, but there were a few new ones I hadn't seen.

NEWEST AMERICAN BUMPER STICKERS!!!!

1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush

2) 1/20/09: End of an Error

3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

5) If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time

8) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

10) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

12) impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

13) Give Bush a ******* So We Can Impeach Him, Too

14) America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

16) Which God Do You Kill For?

17) Cheney/Satan '08

18) Jail to the Chief

19) Who Would Jesus Torture?

20) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade

21) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

22) So Many Christians, So Few Lions

23) Bad president! No Banana.

24) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

25) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

26) Buck Fush

27) Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood

28) Is It Vietnam Yet?

29) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

30) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

31) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

32) Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.

33) Impeach Cheney First

34) Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too

35) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

36) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

[40yearfan]

36) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

[Divide Et Impera]

Here's a funny story as told by a poster from another BB:

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for ozzy (my dog) and was in

line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog . . . . . .

. . Duh!


I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was

starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because

I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds

before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of

most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out

of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was

totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet

and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with

Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to

try it again.



I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by

now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.



Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and

was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no . . . . . I'd been

sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.



I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[40yearfan]

Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government
officials sent to interview him.

One US official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and then he calmly replied:
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[GreenCard]

Two Eagles was invited to spend a week in Washington by the two Gov. officals to see the number of white people vs.the number of Indians.Two Eagles sent his son,Three Eagles instead.On Three Eagles last night in Washington the two Gov.officals sent a whore to Three Eagles' room.The whore informed him that this would be a very special night for him.The night he arrived back to his Teepee his squaw noticed his loin cloth standing straight out and quickly laid down and raised her skirt.Three Eagles said,"no f**kem --Smokem.

[40yearfan]

AS WE GET OLDER WE SHOULD HAVE A PROPER WILL, INCLUDING A LIVING WILL. I HAVE RESEARCHED THE SUBJECT AND HAVE FOUND THE ATTACHED WORDING FOR A LIVING WILL THAT I AM COMFORTABLE WITH.

LIVING WILL
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.


Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up
the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Martini

______a Margarita

______a Scotch and soda

______a Bloody Mary

______a Vodka and Tonic

______a glass of wine

______a Steak

______Lobster or shrimp

______The remote control

______a bowl of ice cream

______The sports page

______Chocolate

...it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.


Signature: ___________________________

Date: ___________________________

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes . If anyone knows the
name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!