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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
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__________________
At what point then is the approach of danger to be expected? I answer, if it ever reach us, it must spring up amongst us. It cannot come from abroad. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide.
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there as no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't", he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the s! ide of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'"
He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?"
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
It was recently announced that Abu Musab al Zarqawi was killed in Iraq by American forces.
George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you fight against the nation I helped conceive.
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, he beat Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
1. Talk about a huge breast!
>>
>>
>> 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
>>
>>
>> 3. It's Cool Whip time!
>>
>>
>> 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
>>
>>
>> 5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
>>
>>
>> 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
>>
>>
>> 7. I only eat white meat.
>> 8. Are you ready for seconds yet?
>>
>>
>> 9. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
>>
>>
>> 10. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
>>
>>
>> 11. Don't play with your meat.
>>
>>
>> 12. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
>>
>>
>> 13. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
>>
>>
>> 14. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
>>
>>
>> 15. You still have a little bit on your chin.
>>
>>
>> 16. How long will it take after you stick it in?
>>
>>
>> 17. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
>>
>>
>> 18. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
>>
>>
>> 19. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
>>
>>
>> 20. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
>>Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois:
>>
>>If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you
>>might live in Illinois.
>>
>>If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there,
you
>>might live in Illinois.
>>
>>If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of
his
>>forehead, you might live in Illinois.
>>
>>If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might
>>live in Illinois.
>>
>>If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live
in
>>Illinois.
>>
>>If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed
>>a wrong number, you might live in Illinois.
>>
>>YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisan WHEN:
>>
>> 1. Vacation means going north or south on I-55 for the weekend.
>>
>> 2. You measure distance in hours.
>>
>> 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
>>
>> 4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back
again.
>>
>> 5. You drive 65 mph through a raging blizzard, without flinching.
>>
>> 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
>>weddings).
>>
>> 7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both
>>unlocked.
>>
>> 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and know how to use them.
>>
>> 9. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
>>
>>10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with
>>snow.
>>
>>11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
road
>>construction, & It's Hot.
>>
>>12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
a
>>blue spruce.
>>
>>13. "Down south" means Missouri.
>>
>>14. A brat is something you eat.
>>
>>15. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
>>
>>16. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.
>>
>>17. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
>>
>>18. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly."
>>
>>19. You know the difference between corn and soy beans at a glance.
>>
>>20. You do not consider Chicago to be a part of Illinois.
>>
>>21. A "hill" is any landmass higher than 20 feet above sea level.
>>
>>22. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
>>your Illinois friends. What's not to understand?
>>
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kailua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, all of the Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have absolutely no idea how good I feel right now! Dang, that Dr. Phil is smart!
Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It
seems that his father, grandfather, and great-grandfather had all been
able
to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their
first
legal drink.
So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a
boat
out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly
drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my
21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his
father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your
father,
grandfather, and great grandfather were born in January, you were born
in
July."
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?
>>
>>ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON
>>THE INCIDENT.
>>
>>A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments
>>of $560.00).
>>
>>He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the
>>lakes are frozen. These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
New NAVIGATOR.
>>
>>They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks,
>>something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large
>>enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the
>>average drill auger can produce.
>>
>>So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a
>>short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might
>>slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming
>>toast, along With the Navigator),decide on the following course of action:
>
>>they lite the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick
>>of dynamite as far away as possible.
>>
>>Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the
>>GUNS, and the DOG...???
>>
>>Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING.
>>Especially things thrown by the owner.
>>
>>You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed
>>and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it
>>hits the ice.
>>
>>The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in
>>their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the
dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps
coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a
Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,slightly confused then continues on.
>>
>>Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
>>confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
>>
>>The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the
>>truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the
>>truck and takes off after his master. Then
>>
>>
>>
>>""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!! !!!
>>
>>The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving
>>the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this just
>>happened" looks on their faces.
>>
>>The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
>>use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the
>>first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...
>>
>>Newspaper item from Wisconsin... AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE IN THE
>>SOUTH?
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."
"Wow!" I said. ”I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
”Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to get lost.
Last edited by 40yearfan; December 13th, 2006 at 09:05 AM.
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