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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
Be Safe
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Dear Friends and Relatives: I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument to George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington DC “Hall Of Fame”. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, decimated the well being of the majority of the population while he was there, and did it all on someone else's money.
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba,
sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin 'em fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these
drawbacks, it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
--Mark Twain
------------------------------
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me."
--General George S. Patton
------------------------------
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
------------------------------
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
--Marge Simpson
------------------------------
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
--Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
--Rush Limbaugh
------------------------------
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--Regis Philbin
------------------------------
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the
face for it."
--John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona
------------------------------
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into
Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman
------------------------------
"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada."
--Ted Nugent
------------------------------
"War without France would be like ... World War II."
--Unknown
------------------------------
"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says
First Iraq, then France.'"
--Tom Brokaw
------------------------------
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its
national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
--Dennis Miller
------------------------------
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when
they needed us."
--Alan Kent
-----------------------------
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an
attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a
three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
--Argus Hamilton
------------------------------
"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being
advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot.
Dropped once.'"
--Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
-----------------------------
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found
truffles in Iraq "
--Dennis Miller
------------------------------
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the
city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
-----------------------------
"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known.
It's never been tried."
--Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------
"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And
that's because it was raining."
--John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
-----------------------------
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the
London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The
rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
------------------------------
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use
of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly
fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris,
caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a
group of Czech tourists.
>> > Doctors know the best
>> >
>> >
>> > Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who
>> > makes the best patients to operate on.
>> > The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to
>> > see accountants on my operating table, because when
>> > you open them up,
>> > everything inside is numbered.
>> >
>> > The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you
>> > should try electricians! Everything inside them is
>> > color coded."
>> >
>> > The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really
>> > think librarians are the best, everything inside
>> > them is in alphabetical order."
>> >
>> > The fourth surgeon, from California chimes in, "You
>> > know, I like
>> > construction workers...those guys always understand
>> > when you have a few
>> > parts left over."
>> >
>> > But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them
>> > all up when he
>> > observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
>> > easiest to operate on.
>> > There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and
>> > no spine, and the head
>> > and the ass are interchangeable."
>
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,
someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the
morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head
in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr.slapped my Mother.
I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well, you
got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you cam e home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I ! put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night
This is a short poem made up entirely of actual quotations from George
W.Bush. These have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by
Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson. A wonderful poem like this is too good not to share.
MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pit bull on the pant leg of opportunity.
I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
I am the Decider!
__________________
oderint dum metuant (Latin for 'let them hate, so long as they fear').
Well, in truth I'm actually not a total hawk, but I'm not a dove either -- I'm more like an angry pigeon flying over the political arena after a really big meal. -Abba Gav
Olaf & Sven were
fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he
>>had no matches, he
asked
>>Olaf for a light.
>>"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he
replied. Then reaching into his
>>tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter
10
>>inches long.
>>"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge
Bic lighter in his
>>hands.
>>"Vere dit yew git dat
monster??"
>>"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from my Genie."
>>"You haff a Genie?," Sven
asked.
>>"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says
Olaf.
>>"Could I see him?", asked Sven.
>>Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough,
out pops the Genie.
>>Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a
good friend of your
>>master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
>>"Yes, I
will," says the Genie .
>>So Sven asks the Genie for a million
bucks.
>>The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there,
>>waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is
filled with
>>the sound of a million ducks flying overhead.
>>Over the roar
of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.
>>"Yumpin' Yimminy! I asked
for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
>>Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot
to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.
>>Do
>>yew really tink I
asked for a 10-inch
Bic?
>How To Avoid The Flu Shot
>
>
>
>
>Eat right!
>
>Make sure you get your daily dose of
>fruits and veggies.
>
>
>Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
>
>
>Get plenty of exercise because
>exercise helps build your immune system.
>
>
>Walk for at least an hour a day,
>
>
>go for a swim,
>
>
>take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
>
>
>Wash your hands often.
>If you can't wash them,
>keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
>
>
>Get lots of fresh air.
>Open doors & windows whenever possible.
>
>
>Try to eliminate as much stress
>from your life as you can.
>
>
>Get plenty of rest.< /B>
>OR
>
>Take the doctor's approach.
>Think about it...
>When you go for a shot,
>what do they do first?
>They Clean your arm with alcohol...
>Why?
>Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
>So......
>
>
>I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
>I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
>Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
>Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
>Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
>Then pass out. (rest)
>The way I see it...
>
>
>If you keep your alcohol levels up,
>flu germs can't get you!
>
>
>
>Nana always said,
>"A shot in the glass
>is better than one in the ass
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