The new and improved joke of the day thread

[conraddobler]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, thrashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the sob to death with the chair!"

[Heucrazy]

Liberal Jokes

Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
Answer - A competent liberal President.

Question - Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?
Answer - Mace.

Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Answer - Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.
Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.

[40yearfan]

David Letterman: “Top Signs It’s Spring In New York City”: Tourists are getting mugged for their decongestant; The subways smell like urine and Starbucks iced coffee; Instead of convenience stores, thieves are sticking up Jamba Juice; Rosie O’Donnell has started a feud with her allergist; Katie Couric is doing the news in a tank top and hot pants; Donald Trump’s hair has begun to bloom; Stranded JetBlue passengers are on the tarmac in lawn chairs.

Jay Leno: I love when they say this [attorney firing business] is a constitutional crisis. Oh, please. We haven’t used the Constitution in years. ... It is officially spring. Al Gore blamed the end of winter on global warming. ... Al Gore returned to Congress. Everyone said Al Gore was treated like a rock star. I think the rock star was Meat Loaf. ... Al Gore testified that if we act now, we can still save the planet. Well, the whole planet except Florida. He’s still a little upset. ... Hillary and Bill Clinton appeared together at a fundraiser in New York last weekend. They’re appearing together again this weekend. Bill wants to be there to support her campaign. She wants Bill there because it’s Spring Break. ... Former presidential candidate Tom Vilsack says he’s now officially endorsing Hillary Clinton. Well, that should put her over the top! Unless, of course, Walter Mondale comes out for Dennis Kucinich—then it’s wide open again. ... According to a new poll, 29 percent of U.S. households do not have Internet access and have little hope of getting it. You know what the technical name is for people with no hope of Internet access? AOL customers. ... There was a big scare at the John Edwards campaign headquarters. It was evacuated after a staff member opened an envelope containing white powder. Turns out it was just some of John Edwards’ age-defying make-up base. ... I guess in Al Gore’s office they found some white powder too. But that was just from his powdered doughnuts.

[Divide Et Impera]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House.

The old Texan said: "Well, ya know, Little Georgie Bush is just a 'post turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said: "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there ...... and you just want to help the dumbshit get down."