While vacationing on his ranch in Texas one August day, Dubya
gets thrown from his horse, hits his head on a rock, is
bitten by a rattlesnake and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man
Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven," Dubya states.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter
escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf
course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years. William F. Buckley, economist Milton Friedman,
Rush Limbaugh, . . They were all there . . .everyone laughing . . happy and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and peasants."
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and
caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Dubya with a frosty drink. "Have a Margarita and relax, George!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Dubya,
dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son you can drink and eat all you want and not
worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he
thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like they pulled on the Education and Health promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Dubya steps on the
elevator and heads upward.
Then the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says opening the gate. So for 24 hours Dubya is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's
not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't
see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "
Ronald Reagan never prepared me for this."
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a
day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers,
"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven
has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his
shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
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