PHOENIX HATERS
By DON RUSSELL
SINCE 1981, Philadelphia has been the nation's fifth-largest city.
But as of tomorrow, the City of Brotherly Love may be nudged from the Top 5 by, of all places, Phoenix.
That is, of course, if you consider Phoenix an actual, you know, city.
Phoenix is more of a loose accumulation of crummy vinyl-sided houses occupied by sun-burned retirees who happen to share a ZIP code. It is a bland spread of chemical-fertilized lawn in the middle of the desert, criss-crossed by smog-filled freeways and chilled with central air.
It doesn't make anything but overpriced hardware for the Pentagon. It has no local traditions, except the ones it stole from Native Americans before chasing them to the reservation. Its most distinguished leader, Barry Goldwater, was the loser in the nation's biggest presidential landslide.
Phoenix a city? The place is 475 square miles, more than three times the size of Philadelphia. If we used those geographic standards, Milton Street would be getting city contracts in Downingtown.
A city? The burg wasn't even a part of the United States till 1912. We've got parking meters older'n that.
A city? The tallest building is 40 floors, about 150 feet shorter than City Hall.
A city? The only professional sports team that ever won a championship won't even use the city's name, instead preferring to call itself the
Arizona Diamondbacks.
A city? Ha!
National rankings
• No. 1 in high school dropouts.
• No. 1 in bark beetle infestation.
• No. 1 in stolen cars.
• No. 1 in unsolved rapes.
• No. 1 in delayed airline flights.
• No. 1 in no-shows at NFL games.
• No. 1 in percentage of kids without health insurance.
• No. 3 in teenage mothers.
Phoenix Hall of Fame
1. Bishop Thomas J. O'Brien, beloved leader of city's Roman Catholics. Though he confessed to covering up countless allegations of sexual abuse by his priests, it took a fatal hit-and-run to finally drive him from office.
2. Fife Symington, rich-guy governor elected twice by clueless voters despite history of suspicious financial schemes. It took a federal conviction on fraud charges to finally drive him from office.
3. Charles Keating Jr., holier-than-thou civic booster. While preaching anti-smut sermons and promoting Phoenix as America's next great city, Keating's fraud led to the collapse of his bank, sparking the S&L scandal of the 1980s and costing taxpayers $3.4 billion.
4. Beau Duran, popular talk-show host. Showing off typical Phoenix courtesy, Duran called the grieving widow of St.
Louis Cardinals pitcher Darryl Kile and asked her if she had a date for a playoff game against the D'backs.
5. Valinda Jo Elliott, trailblazer. Lost in the woods, she set a fire to signal a television news helicopter for help. The wildfire scorched nearly half a million acres and cost $43 million to extinguish.
Valley of the SUV
• No. 1 in red-light running.
• No. 3 in aggressive driving.
• No. 3 in traffic fatalities.
• No. 3 in pedestrian deaths.
• No. 15 in ozone pollution.
Civic boosters
Ten years ago, Phoenix was named by some consulting agency as the "Best Run City in the World."
How'd it celebrate?
First, it erected signs smugly patting itself on the back.
Then, it bought a new stadium for D'backs owner Jerry Colangelo by enacting a sales tax without a public vote.
Average summertime high
107 degrees.
Zoned out
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle,
former vice president
"I'm so excited over your rodeo. How do you say that, 'rodeo' or 'rodayo?' "
- Marilyn Monroe,
during her one visit to Phoenix, in 1956.
"To insist on strength is not war-mongering. It is peace-mongering."
- Barry Goldwater,
former U.S. senator from Arizona
Home of mediocrity
• Lynda Carter
• Wayne Newton
• David Spade
• Mare Winningham
• Stevie Nicks
Wasteland
Travel & Leisure magazine declared that Phoenix has the "worst cultural attractions" in America.
21st century yokels
• Phoenix does not believe in daylight-saving time.
• Phoenix is the world's largest city without Sunday bus service.
• In 1990, voters turned down a referendum to make Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday a state holiday.
• Favorite local restaurant: Applebee's.
• The city's hottest bar features live bull riding.
Traitors!
These guys abandoned Philly for Phoenix.
• Ex-Sixer Charles Barkley
• Ex-Eagle Buddy Ryan
• Ex-Phillie Curt Schilling
• Slugger Reggie Jackson
• Cartoonist Bil Keane
Phoenix Suns starting five
• Jason Kidd, 2001. Arrested for domestic abuse, struck wife in face in front of 2-year-old son.
• Stephon Marbury, 2002. Arrested for DUI, blew .180 percent blood alcohol.
• Penny Hardaway, 2000. Arrested for threatening girlfriend with a gun.
• Cliff Robinson, 2001. Arrested for DUI, blew .146 percent blood alcohol.
• Cedric Ceballos, 1994. On the night his team was knocked out of the NBA playoffs, he and Charles Barkley allegedly hosted a sex party where center Oliver Miller, aka Pig, was accused of assaulting a woman. No arrests.
http://www.philly.com/mld/dailynews/6262456.htm
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