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Here is the story of a bet at work. It was decided that someone had to eat 28 Marshmallow Peeps in under an hour.
The evolution of the bet was simple, a discussion of great TV shows which brought up Malcolm in the Middle. We then discussed Easter which brought us to the episode of Malcolm in the Middle where Malcolm consumes 100 Peeps.
It was quickly decided that such a feat was rediculous and could not be duplicated. We started naming numbers that "could" be done. We finally settled on 27 being the Peep barrier (halfway between 25 and 30 and requiring a 6th package).
A time limit of 1 hour was set and the challenge was on. We dubbed it the Great Peep Off Two days after Easter, bring your peeps and devour.
Of course in short order everyone chickened out until only I was willing to take up the challenge. After some more discussion it was decided that if I could somehow consume 28 peeps, then a free night at Babes Caberet would be mine. I have to admit that free booze and lap dances are a bit inspiring.
So on Monday I went to Walgreens and bought my half off Peeps. I selected 2 blues, 1 pink, 2 yellows, and 1 package of Sugar Free Splenda Peeps. Now Splenda Peeps are roughly twice the size of a regular Peep and there are only 3 to a pack instead of 5. This gave me exactly 28, though in reality I was eating more like 30 due to the Sugar Free enormitity. I went back to work and lined up the packages of Peeps in the Therapy Room, comfortable in my knowledge that while the fat nurses that work nights could eat almost anything, even they would not touch my Peeps.
This morning I came to work and my Peeps were unmolested. I watched the clock until 11 AM. Time for lunch. For the record, a package of 5 regular Peeps rings in at 160 calories. I had 5 of those so that is 800 calories. The Sugar Free monster Peeps were only 60 calories. Since they are devoid of anything other than sugar, I can't fathom what exactly makes these Peeps so huge. In any event, I decided that a potential 860 calories was more than enough for lunch.
Anyway, back to lunch. So I took my six packages of Peeps to the cafeteria and I filled a 32 ounce cup with water. I proudly layed out all 6 packages in front of me for everyone to gawk at as they walked by. My statement was simple, even 28 peeps is better than the Hospital Food you are eating for lunch.
Jim had stolen the timer that we use to track excersises in the gym and declared the start of the Great Peep Off. It wasn't long before some of the Transport Girls (young girls who push people around the hospital all day) were over to watch the "festivities."
I decided to start with the Monster Splenda Peeps, because they had less calories. This may have been an error. They tasted awful. It was like eating a giant puffed package of Splenda. Out of curiousity, I examined the nutritional facts of the Peep and found that the Sugar Free peep was made of some non food group. It had neither protein, fat, dietary fiber, or sugar. I can only conclude it was made from some vague "carbohydrate like" styrofoam.
At this point I one of the Transport Girls talks about how she put a Peep in the microwave and it expanded to more than twice it's size. Jim tells her that they are expanding in my stomach now and he is sure that 4 days from now I am going to crap some giant peep that floats in the toilet like a rubber ducky.
The next package was the pink one. In fact, the remaining order was pink, blue, yellow, blue, yellow. I don't know why I choose this order, but it was the march of suffering. The pink ones were actually quite good, for a Peep. They were soft and tasted really sweet after eating the paradoxical Sugar Free Peeps. Barely 9 minutes had passed and I had already eaten 8 peeps.
This was going to be easy....
I opened the blue ones, ready to continue my road to glitter coated boobies. At the time I mused that the sugar on the Peeps looked a lot like the glitter that strippers use. The blue package wasn't as good as the pink ones. A little bit chewier than the other ones. These were going to take a bit more time. At the 15 minute mark, I had eaten just three more Peeps. The 11th peep had brought a new sensation, revulsion. I was now making faces as I ate the Peep, washing down each loathsome bite with fresh water. I honestly began to doubt my willpower in this. A doctor walked by, asked what we were all doing, and then told me he would see me in the ER later.
The blue package was done. 13 peeps down. The first of the yellow package would mark the halfway point. I refilled my water and announced that I was already full. All the water I was drinking was getting absorbed by the Peep Blob growing in my stomach. I opened the yellow package at the 21 minute mark and bit into it.
When I was at Walgreens I noticed how there are tons of Yellow Peeps and only a few of the colored. After biting into this Peep I realized that no one buys the Yellow Ones. They just get chucked in the back of the store until next year's and then they are carted out with the new colored ones. Yellow Peeps are like the Russian Roullette of Easter and I had just chambered a round.
As I gnawed on the yellow Peeps, my stomach went into full fledged protest mode. I had to look away to not trigger my gag reflex. Several of the watchers declared that I was "done". I responded with "Only halfway".
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Halfway done and at the 25 minute mark. I was on pace, but I had virtually inhaled the first 8. I squeezed the next yellow Peep to show just how stale and hard it was. My boss, being ever supportive, said with a grin "Good thing you choose to eat the other box of yellow ones last."
"Yeah...thanks for reminding me."
With renewed energy I battled through the last 4 yellow Peeps. I drank the whole new 32 ounces of water just to accomplish the feat. While it was good on time, I really didn't chew these ones particularly well. Combined with the water my stomach felt like it contained fresh mixed cement.
33 minutes and still 10 more to go. 2.7 minutes a peep.
After some more discussion it was decided that if I could somehow consume 28 peeps, then a free night at Babes Caberet would be mine. I have to admit that free booze and lap dances are a bit inspiring.
What a fitting prize. A peep show for eating peeps.
I looked around at the other tables and decided that my initial assessment was wrong. Even 10 Peeps can make me appreciate hospital food.
I opened the last blue package. As I bit into it slowly, I noticed that the blue colored sugar fell onto the table and that actually a small pile of multi-colored sand had formed on the table below me. I commented on how it looked like one of the those sand paintings from the 70s. Jim told me I had to eat the whole Peep for it to count. I told him to kiss my ass and I wasn't licking the table.
The blue ones should have been bearable because they tasted SO much better than the Yellow Ones. Even still, each bite required me to convince my body "Yes you really want this bit of processed goop."
Fortunately I had now developed a two bite system. Eat the head first and then fold the body in half and eat it. By cutting out a bite, it made it slightly less revolting. It worked well and by the 42 minute mark, I was down to just the last yellow package.
So of all the jackass prayers God gets on a daily basis, I am sure that the "Lord, please let these Peeps be fresh." has to rank in the top 5.
When I had opened the last yellow package, I was hoping that the first was merely an abberation. I squeezed the Peep, hoping for the fluffy softness of the pink package. Instead I discovered that these were the twins to the first set of yellow ones.
I two bit the first one, and almost immediately felt the urge to throw up. Appharently I made quite the face since everyone was laughing while I quelled the desire free the Peeps from their stomach prison.
Jim, ever helpful, decided to give me this advice. "If they are that bad, just eat the whole thing at once."
Of course in my sugar coma, this sounded like a good idea. I shoved the Peep into my mouth with just one bite. As I chewed it I was gagging. My body was on full revolt and had had enough of the Peeps.
Still, I had managed to down that one in under two minutes. Inspired, I ate the last 3 in the exact same manner. In these long minutes I realized I would likely never want to eat a Peep again. Between each Peep I gulped down water, just trying to wash the sugar from my mouth.
And at 49 minutes and 33 seconds, I finished the 28th peep. I felt like I had run an eating marathon. I felt like a balloon and at any minute I would pop. While I had won the battle (free Babes), I had lost the war. I still had to go back to work for 4 more hours....
Well, congratulations! I'm intrigued now to see if I could do it. I bet I could. But I would get all pink peeps & check for freshness first, so I'd be one up on you.
I'd be game. I very rarely (when at home--when I'm out it's a different story for some reason) drink while eating. I usually go my whole meal w/o a beverage, so I think I'd have that advantage.
I'm down with this. Peeps are on clearance at Albertsons for 25 cents a package.
On second thought, I think we should wait a few days to make a final decision. I'd like to hear some updates from Sanders over the next 48 hours as to how his body is handling the new colony of Peeps that has invaded his body.
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I'm down with this. Peeps are on clearance at Albertsons for 25 cents a package.
On second thought, I think we should wait a few days to make a final decision. I'd like to hear some updates from Sanders over the next 48 hours as to how his body is handling the new colony of Peeps that has invaded his body.
I'm down with this. Peeps are on clearance at Albertsons for 25 cents a package.
On second thought, I think we should wait a few days to make a final decision. I'd like to hear some updates from Sanders over the next 48 hours as to how his body is handling the new colony of Peeps that has invaded his body.
Yup - hopefully we won't hear of any anal peepage.
dreamcastrocks--My Hero!!
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