So there I was

HarleyRider · March 12th, 2005, 08:41 PM

I'm at work, (BTW I'm an instructor and I supervise 27 soldiers on a daily basis). So anyway, I had to go to the bathroom, so I go downstairs and into one of the stalls. I get finished with my business, stand up and turn around, go to pull up my pants and as I'm pulling them up my hand bumps my cell phone off the belt clip and before I could react my phone found a new home. KERPLUNK!

Now, something you should know before I go any further. When I was potty training my son, one of the techniques taught in this video was to leave your "business" in the toilet and not to flush until you showed your kid so they would learn to associate the two. Well, I got into the habit of this and pretty soon me and my boy were comparing all the time. As in, "good job son, that's man style right there....I KNOW that hurt." Or, "gee whiz dad, what did you eat?" So anyway, I got into the habit of leaving my business until AFTER I had pulled up my pants.

This day was no exception. My cell phone was sitting there perched on a brown ledge, about an inch under the surface of the water. During the fall, it struck the edge of the toilet seat and flipped open so as it sat there I could see the screen. I stood there debating how I was going to get this out (or if I even should) when suddenly I saw the surface of the water start rippling (I had it on vibrate). The caller ID screen came up "The Ex" as in my ex-wife. I stood there looking at this and thought "If this ain't the mother of all ironies, I don't know what is." I have the family call plan with Cingular so my son can call me whenever, and I always told him that I would answer no matter what. So, swallowing my pride, I reached down, pinched the antenna between my finger and thumb, and lifted the phone out of the water.

As I'm standing there holding it, water is draining out of the hole where the charger plugs in and I press the answer button. I hold the phone about an inch from my face and say "Hello?". It's my ex-wife.

Terrific.

I pull the phone back about 6 inches from my face and before she can talk I say "It's got poop (not the word I used) on it and I don't want it touching my face!" I hear her say "What?!" So I repeat, louder, "It's got poop on it now, so I don't want it touching my face!"

So, I hang up, exit the stall and there are three of my soldiers standing at the urinals with their heads turned around just looking at me. I looked back and said "What the hell are you looking at?" They turned around and said nothing.

Moral(s) of the story: Always flush first, and NEVER exit a stall in a men's room after you just got through saying "It's got poop on it, I don't want it touching my face".

I swear that's a true story, I couldn't make that up.

FischerKing · March 12th, 2005, 08:56 PM

shawn

azdad1978 · March 12th, 2005, 09:35 PM

Dude you have the worst luck.

Brian in Mesa · March 12th, 2005, 10:04 PM

thirty-two · March 13th, 2005, 01:20 AM

holy GOD that was funny!!!!

HarleyRider · March 13th, 2005, 07:59 AM

To top it all off, I checked my e-mails this morning and there was one from Match.com. It said we have found a "Premium Match" for you. So I click on the link and it said that "according to your personality profiles you two are 79% compatible". My curiosity was aroused (insert joke here) so I click on her profile and there is no photo but a description. It said " I am a hot girl that loves wearing garters, high heels, etc."

It's a friggin' dude.

My question is, what the hell did I put down in my profile that makes me 79% compatible with a transsexual?

And there are photos, some middle-aged guy in lingerie and a wig. Don't know if I got the huevos to post it here.

I'm getting too old for this.....