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I really need some advise from parents who have gone through my situation or maybe people who know more about this subject.
A little backround: I am a 36 year old father of three. I have a 15 year old daughter, 13 and 10 year old sons. All of them are really good students and are respectful to my wife and I. Usually they get their chores done without too much arm twisting.
I overheard my 13 year old son talking to his cousin this weekend about using drugs. My son was bragging about smoking weed and how he would stay at his friends house, let the effects wear off then come home and sleep. I figured that they were up all night playing video games and he was just tired. I never even suspected it. I always thought he was too young to be experiementing with drugs.
I confronted my son today. I told him that some of his actions were leading me to believe that he may be on some sort of drug. I asked him if he had tried any drugs or been around any of his friends while they were doing drugs. He denied all of it. I then said that I may just be over-reacting but I really cared for him and I had to set my mind at ease. I asked him if he was willing to take a drug test and he accepted. I am sure he thought I wouldn't follow through. I think he was in shock when I walked him to my bathroom and pulled out an at home drug test. The test came back with a peliminary positive result, but I have to send the sample to the lab for conformation (7-10 days until the results).
I told him that I couldn't tell the results yet and I wouldn't know until the lab results came back. I think he is smoking weed with his friends maybe to fit in. Where do I go from here? I feel like I want to interragate him and his friends. I am deeply sadend and dissapointed.
I really don't know how to handle this.
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I'm so sorry to hear that you're having to deal with this! My kids are only 3 and 5, so I have no words of wisdom for you about drugs. But here's a site I just Googled and found that may have some helpful info for you. http://www.theantidrug.com/
I dread the day when my kids are old enough for these kind of situations! Please keep us informed on how it all works out so we parents w/younger kids can learn what to/not to do! Good luck!
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~Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean...~
I have to say that I am pretty impressed that you have the balls to take a stand like this. Some parents just don't give a crap or think their kids will grow out of it. Fortunately I never even saw drugs until I was almost out of high school and never tried them until I was in college even then I was still immature about it. So for a 13 year old kid to be experimenting with drugs is frightening to say the least. Pot to me is definately a gateway drug and will lead to harsher chemicals. Be strong, reinforce your love and get him away from these friends.....
I'm sorry to hear that your family is going thru this. I have a 6 years old daughter and at this point in time I can't give a good advice at this time but the best thing you can do with your son is to talk to him that smoking drugs is addictive and using drugs has consequences. Also remind that you were a kid once and you know how peer pressure can affect a young kid. Also let him know you love him very much and you just have to weather the storm because it will pass.
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"I'm a football player," says Boldin, "Receiver is something they call me just because they have to put something down on paper."
Just a word of warning, I'm 1 day shy of turning 21 and am by no means a parent but, my teenage years are not that far behind me:
If I were in your situation, I would sit your kid down after you have the offical results and ask him what he thinks the test results will say. Even though he's denied it before, maybe knowing that you weren't bluffing and have the results, he will tell you. My guess is that he'll deny it... not cuz he's a liar but probably because he's afraid how you'll react. Maybe before sitting him down, you could let him know that you just want to talk and you'll promise to hear him out - maybe make him feel like it's ok to tell you.
Hopefully at some point he'll admit it - either way I think you should ask him why he smokes pot. What motivates him? Peer pressure? Being "bad?" Lack of knowledge on the subject (consequences, etc). At 13, that is a VERY impressionable time - he's probably trying to fit in with his cousin or other friends who do pot.
He's got to realize that what he's doing is not acceptable... it can lead to other drug abuses, jail, etc. I pray this is just a phase and that he'll grow out of it, but until that time, I think you've got to watch him like a hawk. I'm worried if you say you are going to drug test him every so often, he'll start learning how to beat the system, instead of beating his drug "problem."
Is he active in school - do any sports or clubs or anything? Maybe he's just bored and looking for something to do - anything that you could help him get involved in?
Anyway, good luck to you - he's young so there's definitely a positive in that. Props to you for being a good parent and noticing stuff like this - it's sad but a lot of parents just dont even care anymore it seems.
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I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? - Dwight K. Schrute
I'm 17, and if there was something that my parents were going to confront me with, that seems to be a good way to do it.
Let him know that while he might like doing drugs now, it wont help him out later. Short term happiness should not be compromised for long term happiness (although it always is the more appealing choice).
I'd talk to the other kids parents. Let them know that their kid may be involved with drugs and that you no way condone it. Tell them that you tested your son positive and that they may want to consider testing their child as well. It is important that you don't blame the other kids parents or even lean that way. However, if they are responsible then they will help you combat the problem. It may also be a good idea to test your kid once a month to make sure he isn't keeping up the habit. If he tests positive take a tough stand and discipline him.
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Originally Posted by HeavyB3
I wasn't serious in my post.. I don't really give a crap.
If he tests positive take a tough stand and discipline him.
See, I dunno... Of course he needs to be disciplined, but I think there should be steps taken first.
My mom was always "If I ever catch you drinking... yadda yadda yadda." Sometimes I would drink just because I knew she hated it so much. This kid is only 13 - I doubt he knows the complete ramifications of his actions - just WHAT pot can lead to etc etc. I really think educating him and finding out WHY he's doing it will help solve things. I just cant see a "well son, you did drugs so you're grounded for a year and I'm going to drug test you every month and take away your PS2." What does that prove to him? I think if the kid is educated about it and if his reasons for doing it are REALLY heard, I think that will help him the most - longterm.
He's gotta understand what he's doing is wrong and why. Not just "Don't do weed - you're grounded."
JMHO of course.
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I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? - Dwight K. Schrute
I went through a similar situation with my oldest son. At thirteen, he started experimenting with pot. We noticed a change in behaviour and his grades started dropping. I came home early from work and searched his room...sure enough under his mattress, I found his stash. When he came home we confronted him. We questioned him, giving him the chance to come clean and he responded the same way as your boy. I know that each child/parent relationship is different but Honesty is a trait that must be instilled in all of our children. So we not only disciplined for drug use, we also used the lieing discipline to our advantage.
The first thing that has to happen is you and your wife must agree to stay together on this the whole way through. Make a plan and stick with it. Discuss any disagreements alone and never question each other in front of the child. When you figure out your approach, sit your son down and explain to him your disappointment with his drug use and the fact that he lied to you. At this point we started a campaign of hardcore grounding...he pretty much lost his rights and would have to earn them back. We set up his new life schedule...what time he woke up, what time he went to school, what time we would pick him up from school, what time he ate, showered, went to bed etc. The whole time explaining why we were doing this and that we would continue to do so until he showed us that he was responsible enough to do this on his own. My son would earn some rights back and then get just enough slack back to do something stupid...and then Bam...he was back to square one.
Our loving Son sent us through the ringer, it took about 2 years to turn this around. We had a little shoplifting issue to contend with as well as one other theft that I know about. When the smoke cleared our Son's room had no door, and Cholla cactus planted outside every window...all of this was done without any physical confrontation. Don't get me wrong, I would have knocked his head off if I thought it would help. Long story short...we now have a great kid who is married and owns a home at age 22. And our Father Son relationship is as strong as any I know. He still makes mistakes but now he will seek advise and the best part is he has thanked us over and over for stepping up to help straighten him up.
The only advise that I could give is to prepare yourselves to see this through. Seek advise and Ideas...just like you are. The toughlove link helped us through...gave some great ideas. And stay united on this, some kids will learn quickly and some are probably a little stubborn...like their parents! This one issue really isn't the end of the world, but if it is not dealt with it could be. Your Son is very fortunate to have two parents that love him very much...the love will show through.
Nick, it is refreshing to hear about parents who care about their children as much as you do. Not only confronting your son took a lot of courage but coming here to ask for advice did as well. I don’t have a lot of advice to give you because you know more about your son then any of us, different kids respond to different disciplines. But with that being said keep on seeking the advice of others. Talk to other parents that have gone through this. I pray that this is something that can be corrected quickly but as others here have shared it might take a long period of time. Just don’t through in the towel. One thing that I have heard and believe in is; To change your kid you have to change their friends. Peer pressure is hard on all kids and getting him away from the kids he is smoking with, I think, would be a major step in the right direction.
I do not know what type of religious background you have or if you are involved in a church right now but getting your son involved in a church youth group or in a team sport as 32 said could be a good thing. Neither of those are guarantees but a change in scenery is a good start. I see you are in Glendale, I go to a Christian church in Peoria that has a great youth program so if you are interested just PM or email me and I will give you all the details.
Good luck and my prayers will be with your son and your family. Doug
Gotta be firm. Fer me it would take time to restore the trust and future drug testing may be the only way to go until you regain that trust.
Personally I would give him a stern warning ...with that warning I would also add that if it happens again I will ground him so far into his room they'll have to pump sunlight to reach him and I would go to his friends parents about this. (kids don't like parents talking too each other).
I agree with BRed...you and yer wife have to be on the same page. Good Luck.
He's gotta understand what he's doing is wrong and why. Not just "Don't do weed - you're grounded."
There is a big difference between discipline and punishment. "Don't do weed. You're Grounded." thats punishment. Discipline involves a detailed conversation which helps the child understand what they did was wrong and why it was wrong. Discipline keeps the child involved, punishment is just a show of force from an authority figure that leads to resentment.
The things you learn while getting a degree in education.
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Originally Posted by HeavyB3
I wasn't serious in my post.. I don't really give a crap.
Nick, you've received lots of good advice. Be firm, let him know how much he has disappointed you, but give him a chance to redeem himself. Have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him he has to be completely honest with you. If he comes clean and admits doing wrong, give him some leeway and keep the lines of communication open. If he is still denying his usage, you may need to institute some restrictions. If so, let him know the fact that he wasn't truthful with you is the real reason for the restrictions.
Drawing the lines to tight for a kid entering his teens can cause rebellion and resentment. You need to get his confidence that you want to help him and are not just wanting to meet out punishment. You are walking a fine line and it's one that only you can know when to change direction.
I would also suggest getting as much info as you can from a local anti-drug group about the dangers of using drugs and read them with him to make sure he is getting the information.
Good luck. The overwhelming majority of kids are good. They just need a little ocassional nudging to keep them headed in the right direction.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the good advice. My sons drug test came back positive.
I had a long talk with him about drugs and showed his some examples of people who lost everything because they wanted to get high. I don't have a problem talking to my kids, the hardest part is dealing with the punishment part.
I basically told him that he broke the trust that he had with his mother and I. It was almost like a grounding but I let him have some freedoms. He was able to play outside as long as he was in front of the house where I could keep an eye on him. He was not allowed anywhere without permission and could not spend the night at anyones house. During this time I continuously kept in contact with him and explained the choices I made about his punishment. He was supervised like a three year old and he really took his punishment well. He never complained.
I am happy to say the since the time he has passed two random drug tests and seems be back on the right track. I will still watch him closely and try to communicate with him. Hopefully our relationship will grow closer because of this and everything will work out.
Thanks again everyone for the great advise it really helped me get through a tough time.
The things you learn while getting a degree in education.
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