abomb

First of all, I apologize for the attention whorish attitude of this thread. I have been doing some self reflection and decided to post my preliminary research. Also, I understand that I am not without my faults.

So as I approach my 30th birthday, I am kinda freaking out that I cant seem to keep a girlfriend, will never get married and have kids and die a lonely, lonely guy. My friends (especially D-Dogg) like to say that I am too picky and that is why I am chronically single. My argument is that I havent found the right girl and I challenge them to tell me with girl should I have NOT broken up with. The can never come up with a good answer.

So for my own sanity, I am posting a list of the girls I have dated over the past few years and reasons why I stopped seeing them. Maybe this will give me some clarity. Have I really become Seinfeldian in my elimination of potential mates?!?

Reason (my age)
My ex-wife. She was very judgemental, quite unstable, cheated on me (23)
I had just gotten divorced. (23)
She was a practicing Mormon / She had a dull personality (23)
She wasnt very pretty (23)
She had just gotten divorced (24)
I was afraid of settling for the first one that came along (24)
I liked her friend better (24)
She was too outdoorsy (24)
She was separated/had two small kids/flipped out and acquired a gun (25)
The outdoorsy one again (25)
She was too frumpy and emotionally unavailable (25)
She was too Jewish (25)
She was just a makeout partner (25)
She was bi-sexual (25)
She was an airhead (26)
She was 31, divorced and had a kid. The age thing was a big deal to her (26)
She was incredibly hot, but her personality was terribly lacking (26)
Didnt really click with her
She was a practicing Mormon (26)
The outdoorsy one again (26)
She was my buddy's sister and wasnt interested in me (27)
She lived in Colorado (27)
She was non-practicing Mormon, not terribly intelligent, had three dogs (27)
She was just a hook up. (27)
She was 37 and married. (27)
She was too skinny, possibly due to an eating disorder, not very "experienced" (27)
The one with dogs again (27)
She was a crazy second-grade teacher, too controlling and really annoying (28)
Just a hookup, 35, divorced with two kids (29)
Makeout partner, lived in Canada (29)
Lived in Seattle, didnt want to move to Arizona, too many gay guy friends (29)
Didnt really like me (29)
Lived in Tucson, had two kids, didnt want any more (30)
Lived in New York (30)

A-Bomb

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Linderbee

IMHO, you don't seem to give a lot of time to your relationships before moving on...but on the flip side of that, if you know what you don't want, and you find that in someone, it's probably just best to move on. I guess it would be easier to decide if you are too picky if you were to list what you consider to be "deal breakers". For example, I would never get seriously involved with someone that uses tobacco of any kind (if I ever become single again).

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Dback Jon

And this was a problem, how?


You sound like the lady I work with - she has her list of qualities she is looking for - guy must be at least 6', semi-athletic, not recently divorced, no kids, stable job, etc. She's thirty-three, and had wondered many of the same things you do.

She finally did meet a guy that meets all of her criteria - and so far, things are going great......

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DeAnna

A-bomb, making a relationship work takes time. Apparently, you didn't give any of them much time.

Plus, it's all about compromises; what was wrong with the outdorsy type? Most guys like that! If she had all the other qualities you were looking for, why not compromise, i.e, you'll only go camping once a year, etc.

Believe me, nobody is perfect so you'll have to live with some imperfections. Just my $.02

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phillycard

abomb, I'll tell you this. Find someone who is physically attractive to you. That is the first thing you look at although it won't be the last. Everything else can be worked on, but she's gotta be able to hold your interest in the looks department. Eventually it won't be all about that, but at that point you will have put your time in.

Russ Smith

i think the fact that you can actually give a decent reason for every one is a good thing. i have a friend who's 40, drop dead gorgeous, and I don't think she's ever going to get married. She's looking for perfection and if you ask her about past relationships her standard reply is "he had commitment issues". If you knew her, you'd know SHE is the one with the commitment issues. She tends to attract 2 types of guys, ones not looking for commitment, and ones who think they can be the one that finally gets her to commit. The first ones of course aren't going to commit, the second ones get tired of waiting on her.

At least you seem to realize at 30 where you're heading, what you want, and what you don't want.

In my friend's case I think she's just totally unrealistic about what she wants and she's convinced herself anything less than perfection is settling.

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nothin' but net

Perhaps you aren't being too selective, but not selective enough when entering a relationship. For example things like having kids, not attractive and religious affiliation...

If they are a good enough reason to break up with them over, they should be a good enough reason to never date them.

Some people just think they fall in and out of love. Usually what this means is that they are horny or under the influence and push a relationship forward physically before they know enough about a person to be emotionally committed to them. The best relationships start from a friendship.

When I met my wife, I thought she was what I wanted, so I took it slow and got to know the answers to all of these preliminary questions before I took it further. If you are seriously looking for a long term relationship, you should do all within your power to delay short-term gratification until you know she is the one. I know it sounds old fashioned, but it works.

The other thing that is important is to understand the difference between a preference and a requirement. To some it may be a necessity that they are good with finances where it may be nice, but not a big deal to someone else. Make a list of qualities. Then decide which ones are negotiable.

There is no real perfect person out there. If there was one, why would they be interested in someone like us that has flaws?? Some of the best times in a long term relationship is growing and learning together.

OK, I gotta go, the producer is calling me. My show is about to start.

Dr. Phil

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Ryanwb

When I stopped looking is when I found Mrs. Ryanwb.....

My advice is to focus on your career, work toward early retirement and I guarantee you will find her.

CardFan67

Agreed... Same kind of situation for me... Second wife... the first one I looked for and paid dearly... The second and current I love dearly and we are made for each other and very happy...

CardFan67

Now with this one you were being way too judgemental and actually quite foolish in my book...

Ryanwb

What's your attraction to the Mormons? My advice with those women, if they aren't married by 21 they are damaged goods, especially if they're hotties

swd1974

You need your head examined if you dump a girl because:

She was bi-sexual (25)



Some men hunt for that all their lives.

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Ryanwb

My other observation is with the outdoorsy girl? Why did you get back with her 3 times? Maybe there is a little destiny there? If the outdoors thing bothers you let me throw this out there.... achillies injury

I'm just saying, it takes like 2 years to rehabilitate and maybe by then she'll be knocked up and will forget anything outside the home exists.

Ryanwb

Another thing....

Outside of looks there are a few other things you need to consider:

1) Does she have a nutso family, how are holidays handled? If you ever want to see your family on Christmas again pay attention
2) Can she cook? Do you get sick when you find out it's meatloaf night again?
3) How is she in bed? Does she lay there like a refrigerator?
4) How does the mom look going into old age? This is a good indicator how the wife will look. Did she put on a few pounds after 40 or is she fit and nice to the eyes?
5) How is her debt situation? Trust me, you don't want to pay for that Cabo trip she took when she was 18 and hasn't exactly been making payments

There are plenty more but these are the most important IMO

Donald

I like to tell Adam that he is like Seinfeld-lite.

No woman good enough to get past his fear-of-intimacy defenses.

(Though if you had known the first chick on his list, you'd probably forgive him for avoiding women like the plague.)


And you shouldn't have broken up with (or at least as you did or as soon as you did) with these:

If this is the one I'm thinking of: However, she wasn't stupid...was hot and you dumped the next one to go back to her for like a week.

Picky on the skinny, she looked fine. She looked very attractive at our MBA graduation as well, you know, right before you dumped her for the one above. This one you clicked with personality wise, loved her family and mentally was your perfect match. Plus, she supported you and your dreams...she was a smart one. Be honest playa, you dumped her because she wouldn't put out. Remember the way I worked it with my wife back in the day breaking down that barrier that many a man had tried to scale. That opportunity was there for you too.

So nice you had to do it twice, but not good enough to stay with after dumping another for seconds with her.

Was very hot, nice rack. One of your best "partners" shall we say? Her gay guy friends are no threat...better than a lot of straight guy friends. And the fact that she wouldn't move to AZ only reflects the here and now...no matter what anyone says, the future is unwritten. Besides all that of course, she really was no more than a frequent f, and calling it off only deprived you of some very fun times. It's not like you dumped her for another better catch. You dumped her to play poker in Married Land with a bunch of Married People. You could have had a lot of sex between then and now.


Here's a quick piece of advice...if you are going to add "Mormon" to your criteria, perhaps you should stop chasing Mormon tail. And this also means the uber-hottie coming down to visit soon.

And I agree with CardFan's take on the bi chick...or at least you not taking full advantage of that aspect of her personality.

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