Welcome to ASFN Fan Forums! We're glad to have you here. Please feel free to browse the forum. We'd like to invite you to join our community; doing so will enable you to view additional forums and post with our other members.
Registered Members don't see these ads. Register now it's free!
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replied, "Well, coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser. His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's her mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a very expensive cemetery plot."
"Hmm, it'll be hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything, so the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, the mother-in-law was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise."
The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work, too," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
10- You spent Sunday night in jail for cow tipping... with your Oldsmobile.
9- Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15¼ since Friday.
8- Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
7- You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
6- Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5- Without fail, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4- The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3- Out of panic, your liver leaps out of your abdominal cavity and into a pan of frying onions.
2- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1- You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
The owner of the Wilson Nails factory calls up his ad agency and tells them to make a commercial showing off his nails. The ad exec says "no problem," and that the commercial will air that night at 8 p.m.
So Mr. Wilson turns on his TV at 8 p.m. and his commercial starts. It looks like this: Two Romans come out carrying spears and walk up to a cross with Jesus hanging on it. The camera focus on his hands and the head of the nail, which clearly has "Wilson" written on it.
Mr. Wilson goes completely crazy, calls up his ad exec and tells him to get rid of that commercial before the Catholic Church sues him. The ad exec says okay, and that he will make another commercial the following night at 8 p.m.
At 8 p.m. the next day, Mr. Wilson turns on the tube and his commercial starts. This time, two Romans come out carrying spears and approach the cross, but Jesus is not on it -- we can see him running away in the background. One Roman guard says to the other, "I told you we should have used Wilson Nails.")
A man walks into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier with a beautiful woman on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes to the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, he returns. The storeowner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the man, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
A train hits a busload of catholic school girls and they all perish.
They all wind up in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies,"Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it!"
A train hits a busload of catholic school girls and they all perish.
They all wind up in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies,"Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it!"
__________________
I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? - Dwight K. Schrute
Linear Mode
