Quote:
Originally Posted by Gee!
TAZERIC FORMULA: Doug and Wolf are fascinated by people that get tazed. See The Rules of Entazement on Doug and Wolf's homepage.
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Doug & Wolf's The Rules of Entazement
To understand the Rules of Entazement you first must understand you're not dangerous enough to get shot. This is a good thing and we applaud you for this.
Here on The Doug and Wolf Show we believe getting shocked with a stun gun may be the most humiliating occurrence we can experience as a species. People that get the Taser are typically defiant, belligerent, rebellious, obnoxious, loud-mouthed people that have a problem with those that would quiet them in any way or otherwise stifle their "right" to be defiant, belligerent, rebellious, obnoxious and loud-mouthed. And herein lies the problem. The conflict is obvious.
What you really need is to be subdued. You need to be brought under forcible control. And this typically doesn't sit well with belligerent loud-mouths.
The comedy of taking a stun gun to the ribs is obvious on two-counts: 1) One moment you're defiant and rebellious - determined to take nothing from nobody - the next moment you're on the ground in the fetal position sucking your thumb. 2) People that take the Taser are the same people you see on the TV show, Cops. This visual display of suspect behavior, when studied over time, allows one to draw some shocking conclusions.
Doug and Wolf believe there is a "Taser-Type," a person doomed to suffer the affects of high-voltage at some point in their lives. By watching the show Cops and observing trailer-parks (especially in the summer), one can make an educated guess as to whom the doomed may be and what this "type" looks like. Thus, Doug and Wolf give you, The Tazeric Formula.
Before we go into the realm of science and examine the specifics of The Tazeric Formula, we must first discuss the context in which said formula occurs.
To fully understand the Rules of Entazement (and The Tazeric Formula), one must place himself/herself in the position of a police officer exiting a cruiser. Policemen literally step out of the car and put themselves in harm's way every day. For this we are truly grateful. But the moment they place themselves into a given scenario they begin to evaluate that scenario. What is going on? Where might there be trouble? Who might be the one causing the trouble and should the Taser be warmed up?
This "situational awareness" begins the strategic phase (Rules of Entazement) of whether or not the Taser will be used within a given scenario. But strategy without tactics is a moot point and this is where the tactical phase (The Tazeric Formula) of a scenario kicks in.
The Tazeric Formula is a point system, created by Doug and Wolf, used to assess a situation when a police-officer exits the cruiser. Although not perfect, the Tazeric Formula relies heavily on what the officer sees, what the officer hears and what the officer smells as he inserts himself/herself into the depravity. Although the point system can have infinite mitigating criteria, when 20-points have been accumulated or exceeded, according to Doug and Wolf, the Taser can be deployed without review or consequence.
The criteria used to calculate The Tazeric Formula (known as Tazeria) is broken down into 3-categories of five-point escalators: Tazeria worth 5-points, Tazeria worth 10-points and Tazeria worth 15-points (some believe there is a 20-point Tazerion but Doug and Wolf have not endorsed this mythical view). Although much debate has raged over these escalators and their point-values, the following serves as the Official Doug and Wolf Tazeria in regard to The Tazeric Formula* when operating within the Rules of Entazement:
5-POINTS:
From Montana
Driving a pick-up truck
Offered Nudity
Bald
Moo-Moo
Bare-feet
Crusted snot in the corner of your nose
Evidence of defecation
Hair Curlers
Wearing a hat that says, "Bikini Inspector"
Your crack is showing
Flannel
Smoldering cigarette
Shirtless (Men) (Woman, see nudity)
Your name could be a cast name on the Beverly Hillbillies
Mullet
Missing teeth
Refering to the officer as "ossifer."
Coaching shorts from 1980's
Telling the officer to "leave your man alone!"
Confederate Flag (tattoo, hat, shirt, vehicle etc.)
Comb-over
Nipple-Ring
Per cuss-word (when directed at others)
Spandex
Wearing dress socks with sneakers
10-POINTS:
Open container of alcohol
Drug paraphernalia
Lawn ornaments that were once in the house
Zubaz
Defecating
Telling police-officer not to put his hands on you!
Wife-Beater undershirt
Skullet (A bald mullet)
Cut-off jean-shorts
Wearing athletic socks with sandals
Per cuss-word (when directed at loved ones)
Spandex (obese)
Driving an El Camino
Facial tattoo
Nudity
15-POINTS:
Trailer-Park
Open can of Schlitz Beer
Per cuss-word (when directed at officers)
Vehicle has curtains in it
*Examples of The Tazeric Formula:
1) Moo-Moo (5) + Hair Curlers (5) + Ellie May (5) + Evidence of defecation (5) = 20-points = Tasertime.
2) Bald (5) + Zubaz (10) + Your crack is showing (5) + 3 cuss-words (2 directed at your loved ones {20}, 1 directed at an officer {15}) = 55-points = Tasertime. IT SHOULD BE NOTED HERE THAT THE STRENGTH OF THE TASER CAN BE ADJUSTED TO EQUAL THE FORCE OF THE INFRACTION.
3) Open can of Schlitz Beer (15) + Skullet (10) = 25-points = Tasertime.
These are just a few examples and the Doug and Wolf show neither endorses nor denies the validity of these examples.
When discussing the Rules of Entazement, one must understand the Tazeria used is not a complete list. Doug and Wolf by no means claim to have chronicled all Tazeria within the Tazeric Formula. As a public service, Doug and Wolf invite you to add to the Tazeria above. We will continue to expand the list as we move forward and we'll credit you by posting it on the website.
May the Taze be with you…
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