Real Fantasy Sports: Fake Marion interview

Shawn Marion is talking -- in his own special Marion-ese language -- and NBA beat reporters are listening. The Republic's Paul Coro [story] and TSN's Sean Deveney [story] each had stories quoting Marion extensively about his unhappiness with the Suns constantly trying to trade him and just treating him badly all around by inflating his numbers by putting him on the floor with Steve Nash and paying him $4 million more a year than 1st team All NBA center Amare Stoudemire. Man, the Suns are so mean to Shawn Marion and I can't understand why they don't want to pay more for him.

I'm still learning about this whole fantasy sports crazy, but I'm intimately familiar with sports fantasies. This is the imaginary interview I had with Shawn Marion this morning -- all in my head, of course:

Me: Are you really looking to move on, Shawn? Is the relationship with Suns management beyond repair?

Shawn: mumble mumble mumble know what I mean?

Interpreter: Shawn says he doesn't want to leave warm weather or play for a bad basketball team, but he knows he only has a few more years as a human pogo stick and he has to cash in before his body breaks down and his actual lack of basketball skills are exposed.

Me: Right. But don't you make plenty right now? Wouldn't you be happy sticking with the Suns core players for three more years making, say, $12 million? Maybe $14 million a year?

Shawn: mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble know what I mean?

Interpreter: He said, "No."

Me: OK. But we have to get one thing squared away before I let this go: Do you really have a problem with Amare Stoudemire and what's that all about?

Shawn: mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble know what I mean? mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble maaaan mumble mumble mumble know what i mean?

Intrepreter: Apparently Shawn loves his teammates, but he gets easily irritated because Amare's always stealing Shawn's chair in the lounge and he always gets the biggest piece of meat at the team dinners. It's always Amare, Amare, Amare.

Me: So Shawn, you're jealous of Amare?

Shawn: *unintelligible*

Interpreter: *shrug*

Me: So what situation are you looking for in a trade?

Shawn: mumble mumble mumble know what I mean?

Interpreter: Generally he wants to be traded to a contender where he can be the star, but there has to be at least two other All-Stars there and he still has to be the highest paid player on the team. He also needs first dibs on the aisle seat on the charter planes and the honeymoon suite in the team hotels. If they go clubbin', he doesn't want to be overshadowed by the other players, so he prefers if all the players on his new team were ugly. Also, they need to run an uptempo style in which he can play his natural position, small forward, but no one gets to question his three-point shooting percentage.

Me: Right, well, apparently this is your fantasy, Shawn, and not mine. Gaddabout OUT.