True or false: 7 good D-Backs questions

October 4, 2007 by Matt Self

Don’t understand how the D-Backs (A) made the playoffs (b) won the NL West or (c) hold a 1-0 playoff lead over the Cubs? This T/F questionnaire should answer all the lingering questions you have:

(1) Is Bob Melvin the reincarnation of an ascendant baseball master?

False. BoMel is an entirely new ascendant baseball master. Sure, you think he was using a randomizer to make his lineups each day, but he was really deep inside the numbers, like the crazy guy in Pi who took a drill to his head to keep from going mad. BoMel is the anti-Brenly; everything he does makes sense. At least to him. And that’s all the counts.

(2) Does Eric Byrnes fight crime on off days?

True. If Byrnes were on the NBC hit show Heroes his power would be “the guy with the never-ending supply of adrenaline.” Standing near him has been known to cause radiation burns.

(3) Is Stephen Drew really only 4 feet tall?

True. Sad as it is, Drew couldn’t ride rides at the state fair until he was 19. He needs his 44″ vertical leap just to reach the top of his locker. Helps on road trips, though; Tony Clark keeps him in his wallet for safe keeping.

(4) Do they settle who’s going to play right field each game with a quick set of “rock, paper, scissors?”

False. They use musical chairs. Hip hop musical chairs: last one standing without a seat on the bench gets a cap in … never mind.

(5) Is it true only three guys actually know the bunt sign?

False. They all know the bunt sign, but for the bunt sign to have a real purpose someone would actually have to get on first or second with less than two outs. That’s only happened like three times this year.

(6) Cubs fans accused Brandon Webb of reaching for his cap. Was Webb reaching for slick stuff?

Totally false. But you may not want to shake Webb’s hand after a game just to be safe.

(7) D-Backs fans don’t seem knowledgeable about when to cheer, when to be quiet, or much of anything about being a good fan at a game.

This is entirely true. But this is why D-Backs fans get invited to all the cool parties and Cubs fans are, well, home bound. D-Backs fans actually know stuff about things beyond baseball, and they’ve never cornered anyone to ramble on and on about conspiracies or curses. Suns fans, however …

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