Things that rule and suck

October 1, 2007 by Matt Self

We all need to start out the week balanced, so in the best crass American reinterpretation of ancient Asian philosophy, here’s your ying/yang of Arizona sports to start the week. Just don’t call me ugly.

Things that rule and suck:

RULES: ASU beating up Stanford for the first conference win on California soil in 4 years.
SUCKS: It was freakin’ Stanford, not the ‘86 Bears. We’re supposed to beat Stanford, in Arizona, in California, on Mars — any place in the known universe — as long as ASU can recruit people with SAT scores like mine and Stanford can’t.

RULES: Rudy Carpenter with another big game to keep the good season rolling forward.
SUCKS: Devil Talk on KTAR after the game. I swear, either Sam Keller’s extended family is calling in to bag on Carpenter, or we have some very lame “fans.”

RULES: Suns camp starts Tuesday.
SUCKS: It’s going to be held in Tucson.

RULES: Shawn Marion is going to show up for camp on time.
SUCKS: No one will let me in the locker room to stitch “Amare’s li’l sidekick” on Shawn’s practice jersey.

RULES: The D-Backs won the NL West
SUCKS: The staff’s arms are so tired, righties will be pitching lefty and lefties will be pitching righty. So, basically, the pitching staff will be slightly better than Tampa Bay’s. Doug Davis may need to look into bionics (and who wouldn’t want to go, “ba na na na na na” every time Davis winds up?) or have every playoff game relocated to Dodger Stadium.

RULES: September is over and the Cardinals aren’t below .500.
SUCKS: No one was selling this t-shirt in Glendale for today’s win over previously undefeated Pittsburgh: “I saw the last sign of the Apocalypse and all I got was this stupid t-shirt.”

RULES: I finally found a job and start this week.
SUCKS: I had to start the job the week Halo 3 came out. Cruel irony.

RULES: I don’t really care about Halo 3. Don’t even own an Xbox. I’m just trying to appeal to a younger demographic by using pop culture keywords like Bill Simmons, whose columns go something like this: “I’m going to spend the next 30 inches making references to pop culture so you won’t notice how much of a Celtics and Patriots honk I am.”
SUCKS: “35 and lonely” is not only a “younger demographic” for me, it’s probably my target audience.

Posted in asu sun devils, arizona diamondbacks, phoenix suns, arizona cardinals